Had an epic three-year adventure in Colorado after college.
Holds an MBA from Wake Forest.
Has two awesome kids.
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But really the coolest thing about my mom is her unique ability to connect with people. She knows how to have a full conversation with a toddler, what to write in a birthday card, and how to treat all people with respect. And she NEVER lets any of my blog posts go without a comment. Happy Mother’s Day.
My friends and I can’t argue about sports, so we had to get a little bit creative. What’s the best household appliance? Read our arguments and cast your vote below.
1. George Foreman Grill, as presented by Evan.
Tap inside the slideshow to go to the next slide.
2. Bidet, as presented by Becca.
3. Wine opener, as presented by Liz
4. Washing Machine, as presented by Ryan.
What else are you going to do? Wash your clothes in a polluted river? Get mugged at a sketchy laundromat?
5. Old School Beer Fridge, as presented by George.
Capacity: 48 frosty bois and 12 diet cokes.
Reliable workhorse, will always come through for you.
Retail value: $40, but you can probably negotiate it down to $20.
6. Coffee Maker, as presented by Carter.
What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Think about coffee. It’s always there for you to get your day going.
7. Air Fryer, as presented by Zach.
Tap inside the slideshow to advance it. You don’t want to miss Zach’s animations.
This wasn’t a planned competition– It just kind of happened with my friend group, the Revolution. Here are my rankings but I need your vote at the bottom!
1. Zach, who’s about two weeks away from joining the rock bank ZZ Top.
2. Carter. “A beard trimmer? What’s that?”
3. Ryan, whose mom says she loves his facial hair.
4. Matt, who looks like he just went to Burning Man and won’t shut up about it.
5. George, who has the same amount of hair on his face and his head.
6. Thomas, who could totally join a biker gang if he wanted to. And he has a cute dog.
7. Evan, who can’t wait to start his freshman year of college.
8. Sean, whose mustache might be on a few neighborhood posters.
9. Andrew, who looks like he should be bagging groceries at Whole Foods.
**P.S. I really liked the mustaches. Unfortunately these guys were participating in a beard competition they didn’t even know about.
Over Christmas, my sister was looking for an apple pie recipe. My mom found this book, “Yummy Apple Recipes” from Erin’s first grade class. I’m no expert but some of these recipes don’t look quite right… In fact, some of these might be dangerous. Here are some of the pages from that book, ranked from “most worst” to “least worst.” I even tried making a few…
1. Erin’s Apple Pie: Ingredients: There are only three ingredients?? I’m concerned.
Instructions: Confusing… It says to “Cook it in the oven at 12”??
Is it edible? No! It tasted like scrambled eggs on top of a cooked apple.
2. Kendall’s Apple Honey Ingredients: What?? The recipe calls for “20 bumble bees”?? (I used honey instead).
Instructions: On par for a first grader… “Smoosh the apples.” Lol.
Is it edible? Yeah, it was okay. Just okay.
3. Sarah Katherine’s Apple Cookies Ingredients: These seem to be the right ingredients but the wrong amounts. It turned into a liquid mess so I made pancakes instead.
Instructions: Close, but no.
Is it edible? Somewhat. With some work, apple pancakes is a great idea.
4. Megan’s Apple Milkshake: Ingredients: Raw eggs and flour in a milkshake?? That’s a no from me dawg. Instructions: Please don’t make this at home.
Is it edible? No!
5. Colin’s Apple Cider: Ingredients: There’s more sugar than water??
Instructions: No way this would blend.
Is it edible? Maybe if you want diabetes.
6. Brooke’s Apple Ice Cream: Ingredients: The recipe calls for 3 apples and 2 gallons of sugar?? This should be called Sugar Ice Cream.
Instructions: To be brief, this isn’t how you make ice cream.
Is it edible? I wouldn’t recommend it, no.
7. Mackenzie’s Apple Popsicles
Ingredients: She wants to use frozen milk as a Popsicle base?? Instructions: Unfortunately, these Popsicles are never going to freeze in the refrigerator.
Is it edible? I guess….
8. Ryan’s Apple Men (Not me) Ingredients: Apples and pretzels.
Instructions: It’s kind of dumb… but it worked.
Is it edible? I don’t know why you would eat this, but you could.
9. Logan’s Apple Juice
Ingredients: Basic. Instructions: I’m impressed at the level of detail. Evidently, “11 minutes” is the perfect amount of time to chill your apple juice.
Is it edible? Yes!
Note these posts are all from my Twitter account but I’ve since moved everything over to my blog. Subscribe by clicking the “follow” button in the bottom right hand corner of your screen.
Carter Fields is one of my best friends and for his birthday he wanted to get Comedy-Central-style roasted. So here it goes.
Let’s start by introducing Carter. He’s kind of like the Fez of our friend group. He looks like Mogley from Jungle Book and we’re not totally sure he knows how to read. One time our Spanish teacher asked Carter what he likes to do on the weekends and he said, “uhhhhh poptarts?”
He’s also not very popular with the ladies, which isn’t surprising given that most of his t-shirts have cats and lasers on them. His longest girlfriend ever dumped him… ON HIS 18TH BIRTHDAY. What kind of a savage would do that??
The only thing more broken than Carter’s love life is his wallet. In 2012, he ordered the market price steak and lobster and just about cried when the $80 check came. Moral of the story, Carter, if you have to ask… you still can’t afford it!
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We give Carter a hard time but he’s really a good sport about it. Last year Carter lost the Revolution’s fantasy football league and we hazed him so hard. We made him dress up like a sorority girl, a ballerina, and try on a two piece swim-suit. So Carter, sorry we’re not helping with the whole ladies thing. (See the full photoshoot here).
On the plus-side, Carter is always good to have around for entertainment. In 2005, I convinced Carter to rappel out of a second story window and we got to watch him smack his head a few times on the way down. Honestly, this probably explains why he has the IQ of Crush (the turtle) from Finding Nemo.
Carter may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but he always has something smart to say about cats, otters, and (strangely enough) the Backyard Sports video game series. His expert analysis of the third topic is covered in today’s surprise bonus post, “Ryan’s Bloggy Thing: A Guest Post by Carter Fields.”
The moral of the story though is that Carter is a good guy and a great friend. One night we were at a party at Becca’s house after everyone else had left. Carter was busy cleaning the house and picking up trash when a broken bottle snagged his leg. He was bleeding so badly Becca, Zach and I put him in the bathtub. Carter gripped my hand as we poured hydrogen peroxide over the huge gash in his leg. We should have gone to the hospital… but we went to Cookout instead. Point is, Carter is always there for you when you need him and he’ll never complain about anything.
Part One of a Collaborative Series with Zach Routh
The Axis of Evil is a list of all things that stand in the way of what we as Americans hold dear. In 2002, George Bush (played by Will Ferrell on SNL) updated the Axis of Evil to include Enron, the economy, math, and Evil Kenevil (but that one’s a no brainer).
It’s 2018 now and the Axis of Evil needed updating. You can think of it like a basketball game and all the worst players are on one team called the “Axis of Evil”. And here’s their starting lineup:
Water Chestnuts
Want to ruin a meal? Stick a few water chestnuts in it.
Duke Power
Duke Power sucks. Their customer service sucks. Their website is a dumpster fire. They hate the environment. They get away with murder. They’re a bunch of mouth breathers.
When pizza burns the top of your mouth
Is it worth it? Probably. Should I be more patient and let it cool? Probably.
The NCAA
I love college sports, I hate the NCAA. They can’t make or enforce rules with any sort of rationality. As a “non-profit”, they steal billions of dollars from student-athletes and are rarely accountable for any sort of wrongdoing. Boo Mark Emmert, Boo.
Mayonnaise
Only psychopaths order extra mayo. **Some exceptions made for Chipotle Mayo and well-made chicken salad, pimento cheese, etc.**
The phrase “Same Difference”
If you replace the phrase “same thing” with the phrase “same difference” you are the worst. It doesn’t make any sense and in the end you’re likening two things instead of differentiating them. STOP THIS MADNESS.
Bread Ends Sandwich
This is the worst thing since sliced bread. Bread ends sandwich? That’s a no for me dawg.
When you bend down and your water bottle falls out of your backpack
And as soon as you bend down to pick up the water bottle something else falls, creating an endless cycle. The struggle is real folks.
Headphones jerking out of your ears
This mostly happens when I’m on a treadmill, causing alarm and overall disorientation. The bluetooth headphones almost sell themselves.
Carter had a bad fantasy football year and we punished him accordingly. The biggest loser in the league (Carter) had to create an embarrassing 12 month calendar of himself, with each league member picking the theme for one month. So really, we didn’t just punish him once… We punished him for 12 whole months.
“Nip-slip New Year” Directed by Evan
Evan scored more points than every team in the West division but struggled in the East. To celebrate not coming in last place, Evan dressed Carter up in a makeshift baby outfit to bring in the New Year.
“President’s Day” Directed by Zach
Zach got screwed— he missed the trophy by just two points. With a tear in his eye, Zach dressed up Carter in a nostalgic Barack Obama matching t-shirt and hat.
“Matt suspiciously flees the state” March
Matt won the 2017 league after finishing the 2016 season dead last with a paltry 925 cumulative points. To escape any suspicion, he immediately fled to the north, never to be seen again. (Picture selected by Carter)
“April Showers bring May Flowers” Directed by Andrew
Carter is wearing a full rain suit but Andrew couldn’t make it rain points in the league. Andrew barely squeaked by Carter in the last game to avoid the ultimate punishment.
“Cinco de Mayo/ Mother’s Day” Directed by Becca
We had nine players in the league but there’s twelve months in a year… so we called in our female friends to help fill in the gap. Here, Carter combines two holidays into one confusing picture.
“Beach Season” Directed by Ashley
Carter actually fills out this two piece swimsuit pretty well. Then again, he’s wearing a women’s swim suit at midnight 250 miles away from the nearest beach. Well played, Ash.
“Carter’s Birthday” Directed by Carter Fields
The dude likes cats and isn’t shy about it. Carter’s fantasy football fate was sealed from the very beginning after starting the season on a six game losing streak.
“Sorority Rush” Directed by Liz
“Throw what you know.” Liz didn’t play fantasy football but I bet even she could beat Carter’s team.
“Wake Me Up When September Ends” Directed by Nathan
Despite finishing fourth, Nathan had the highest cumulative points. This lethargic photo also reflects Carter’s lackadaisical attitude towards fantasy football.
“World Series” Directed by George (Carter)
After several pictures being deemed “inappropriate,” George finally gave up. Note George’s team name is also a jab at Carter; “Carter can’t (Jordan) Reed.”
“Boy Scout Popcorn Month” Directed by Ryan
Carter is wearing a youth-medium boy-scout uniform (waist size 22). Team Kelley also had a rough season though, finishing 5-6.
“The Nutcracker” Directed by Sean
Someone got their balls busted alright. Sean took down Carter 90-83 in Week 7 on the way to a 7-4 finish.
The big "R" in Ryan 