Carter Fields is one of my best friends and for his birthday he wanted to get Comedy-Central-style roasted. So here it goes.

Let’s start by introducing Carter. He’s kind of like the Fez of our friend group. He looks like Mogley from Jungle Book and we’re not totally sure he knows how to read. One time our Spanish teacher asked Carter what he likes to do on the weekends and he said, “uhhhhh poptarts?”

He’s also not very popular with the ladies, which isn’t surprising given that most of his t-shirts have cats and lasers on them. His longest girlfriend ever dumped him… ON HIS 18TH BIRTHDAY. What kind of a savage would do that??

The only thing more broken than Carter’s love life is his wallet. In 2012, he ordered the market price steak and lobster and just about cried when the $80 check came. Moral of the story, Carter, if you have to ask… you still can’t afford it!

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We give Carter a hard time but he’s really a good sport about it.  Last year Carter lost the Revolution’s fantasy football league and we hazed him so hard. We made him dress up like a sorority girl, a ballerina, and try on a two piece swim-suit. So Carter, sorry we’re not helping with the whole ladies thing. (See the full photoshoot here).

On the plus-side, Carter is always good to have around for entertainment.  In 2005, I convinced Carter to rappel out of a second story window and we got to watch him smack his head a few times on the way down.  Honestly, this probably explains why he has the IQ of Crush (the turtle) from Finding Nemo.

Carter may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but he always has something smart to say about cats, otters, and (strangely enough) the Backyard Sports video game series.   His expert analysis of the third topic is covered in today’s surprise bonus post, “Ryan’s Bloggy Thing: A Guest Post by Carter Fields.”

The moral of the story though is that Carter is a good guy and a great friend. One night we were at a party at Becca’s house after everyone else had left. Carter was busy cleaning the house and picking up trash when a broken bottle snagged his leg. He was bleeding so badly Becca, Zach and I put him in the bathtub. Carter gripped my hand as we poured hydrogen peroxide over the huge gash in his leg. We should have gone to the hospital… but we went to Cookout instead. Point is, Carter is always there for you when you need him and he’ll never complain about anything.