Hollywood movies have gotten pretty bad recently… Bad enough that I could make better movies by just turning my dreams into movie scripts. Vote on which dream would make the best movie and I’ll send it in to Universal Studios.
P.S. Please ignore any copyright infringement… I’ll worry about that later.
Movie title: Ace Ventura: Extraterrestrial Calling Genre: Comedy Plot: I’m the world’s leading expert on talking to animals. I get an urgent, top-secret call from the government to talk to an animal… and it’s an alien! Me and the alien eventually become best friends.
Movie title: Fast and Furious: Jail Race Genre: Action, street racing. Plot: My friends and I attempted to rob a bank but got caught. I was the getaway driver and sacrificed myself so the others could get away. But before going to jail, I have one last plan to get us all off the hook. I challenge the new hot-shot district attorney to a street race. If he wins, I’ll rat on the rest of my crew. But if I win, I get to go free and he stops going after my friends. He agrees… but with a catch. I have to race in a 2002 Toyota Camry while he drives a Maserati.
Editor’s Note: It’s not the best idea but it’s definitely better than Fast and Furious 3 Tokyo Drift.
Movie Title: Ghostforce Genre: Action, comedy Plot: I’m part of an elite ghost task force in charge of protecting the living world from evil spirits. Thanks to our efforts, the living world doesn’t even know we exist (kind of like how Men in Black protect the world from aliens). However, the whole world is in danger when a dark spirit emerges to wipe out every living being on the planet. (P.S. In this universe, ghosts can’t fly, but they can run really fast and jump 30+ feet).
Movie title: Avatar, The Last Airbender meets Scooby Doo Genre: Not really sure where to put this one Plot: The evil leader of the Fire Nation has finally been captured, but he’s injured and recovering in the hospital. The Fire Nation army arrives in a helicopter, busts through the roof and pulls their leader out. Avatar is forced to call the only person who can help find the missing person… Scooby Doo. Oh and Batman comes along for backup.
Movie title: The Pirate from the Shadows Genre: Horror Plot: My sister Erin and I find out we have an evil step-brother. Because of a traumatic incident as a child at Disney World, he thinks he’s a pirate, and has been locked away for years in a mental hospital. He escapes and comes after our family for revenge, armed with a pirate ship and crew.
Movie title: Undercover Mother Genre: James Bond-esque Plot: An experienced group of criminals break into the Kelley household. I can’t figure out why they’re in our house until my mom pulls me into a secret room. In there, I find out my mom is a secret agent and is hiding top-secret information that could destroy the world if it gets in the wrong hands. Mom comes out of the panic room dual wielding blazing guns.
Movie title: Giant Squid Genre: Exclusively made for the Sci Fi channel. Plot: There’s a giant squid hiding throughout the pipes of Liz’s house. It’s so big that it’s tentacles are coming up out of the drains and starting to attack our friends. No one else believes me until several of our friends are missing, and then we have to figure out how to come together and stop the giant squid.
I’ve moved around way too much the past six years and I’ve had a lot of roommates along the way. Some are slightly better than others… and sorry in advance to my mom.
1. Zach (roommate in Chapel Hill, 2017-2018)
Pro: Zach and I completed an extensive bucket list like swimming in an old rock quarry and finding the best fried chicken in North Carolina.
Con: I lost a bet to Zach and had to sleep on the porch. This one is mostly my fault; I challenged Zach to a half-court basketball shoot-out and the loser had to sleep on the porch. I missed wide left, Zach drained it on the first try.
2. Bobby and Louis (roommates at “The Annex” in Chapel Hill, 2015-2016)
Pro: We lived next door to the fraternity house, so we got all the benefits of living in the “Animal House” but always went home when it was time to clean up.
Con: Our neighbors flushed feminine products down the drain, which somehow clogged up our toilets and bathtubs.
3. Harrison and Jon (Roommates at “Chillsborough” in Chapel Hill, 2014)
Pro: We had a secret basement.
Con: We had an annoying neighbor that would come over and wouldn’t leave despite our best hints and general lack of interest.
4. Claire, Cindy, Maria and Javier (Roommates in Madrid, 2015)
Pro: My host mother Maria made dinner every night and cleaned my room while I was at school.
Con: I had to share a bathroom with four other girls. One time I had to use the bathroom so bad I seriously considered walking to KFC.
5. Zach, Catherine, and Dan Black (the cat) (Roommates in Raleigh, 2016)
Pro: Catherine decorated for every holiday.
Con: I’m not saying me and the cat didn’t get along, we just didn’t really hang out.
6. Sam (Roommate in Chapel Hill, 2017)
Pro: Sam and I had some crazy adventures, like hitch hiking from Durham to Chapel Hill.
Con: The air conditioning went out during the hottest week of the year. It turned out to more of a pro than a con though; Sam and I pulled the TV onto the porch and slept outside with the fan on. The biggest con, though, was that we only got to live together for seven months.
7. Harrison (Roommate at Granville Dorms in Chapel Hill, 2012-2013)
Pro: Harrison is straight up funny. Somehow, he made it college without knowing how to read an analog clock or use a washing machine. During the first week of school, he forgot what number our room was and almost went to sleep in the wrong room. I’d occasionally get texts like this one: “Dude, I couldn’t find an open bathroom in the library… I almost didn’t make it.”
Con: A lot of my food went missing during the year— he eventually admitted to taking it six years later.
8. Scott, Garrett, and Hayden (Roommates at The Frat House in Chapel Hill, 2013-2014)
Pro: We lived in a fraternity house.
Con: We lived in a fraternity house. The three roommates were great but it really felt like we had 40 roommates. Our house had a strict “wash the dirty dish as you need it” policy… meaning no one did the dishes unless you needed a clean dish.
9. Steve, Laura, and Erin (“Roommates” at my childhood home in Winston-Salem, 1993-2012)
Pro: Literally everything was free. Sometimes they even gave me money.
Con: They’re the only roommates who set a curfew and wouldn’t let me watch R-rated movies.
My hypothesis is drafting later in the order will lead to a better final standing at the end of the season—but let me explain why I might be wrong.
This is a very small sample size from the Revolution’s league between 2013-2017.
The size of the league has teetered between six and ten over the years. This means finishing in sixth place could either mean 1. You came in dead last in a six person league, or 2. Just below average in a ten person league.
With a small sample size, luck (and remembering to set your lineup) plays a much bigger part of the game. For example, Andrew’s team was screwed in the 2016-2017 season after David Johnson broke his leg.
But even if you know drafting later is better, you can’t change the draft order. So what’s the point?
Note from the editor: Carter submitted this guest blog in February 2018 and to be honest, I’ve kind of put it off until now. It’s not that it’s wrong, it’s just off topic. How many of my readers care as much about Backyard video games as Carter? Anyways, in honor of my next post, “The Roast Of Carter Fields,” I present to you “Ryan’s Bloggy Thing: A Biased Evaluation of the Backyard Sports Video Games Franchise” by Carter Fields. P.S. I haven’t made any grammatical or stylistic edits to this post. -RK
A Biased Evaluation of the Backyard Sports Video Games Franchise by Guest Columnist Carter Fields
I am going to settle the debate that every kid had while growing up, the best Backyard Sports game. I’m not just talking football or baseball either were covering every sports this franchise so gratefully gave us. So strap in and get ready to get your mind blown. Also, keep in mind Pablo Sanchez and Pete Wheeler are always involved in these conversations and they are obviously the two best backyard players in the history of ever.
#1: Backyard Baseball 2001
I don’t care what you say the backyard baseball games were always the best. All you had to do was put that mode on Tball mode and you were hitting for the cycle with every player, averaging 100 runs a game, especially in this game. With the pro players ranging from Sosa, McGwire, Chipper, Ripken Jr. and Griffey Jr. (plus more that would take too much time and you stopped after Chipper anyways). You could stack your team adding the traditional best backyard players and literally never loose. Plus when you got the aluminum bat upgrade and bonds came up to bat the steroids irony is just more funny now.
#2: Backyard Football 2002
This gets the nod for second because it was the first football game that introduced defenders into the game. The traditional quarterback and running back heavy designed first backyard football was fun, only because I could throw for 1,000 yards and 15 TDs a game. Now thanks to them adding Seau and Kerse all I had to do was get a power up and wait for the gopher sack I would get every third play. It first introduced this young age to defense and not only offense, and that’s neat.
#3: Backyard Basketball 2004
After years of just football and baseball, Backyard Sports branched out to basketball. (after a not so productive first one they tried again. Remember kids, don’t give up on your dreams). The best part and only reason why this makes number three on this list is because they added more NBA players to it. Also, if you turned the ball setting to beach ball you could shoot from the other side of the court with Tim Duncan (who is a career maybe 30% three point shooter) and never miss. Also adding Vince Carter in his prime and getting the dunk perk was just super fun with him.
#4: Backyard Baseball 2003
This one is on here for my brother. It was his favorite because it introduced us to the Pittsburg Pirate great Jason Kendall. Not often are Kendall’s good at things so that was a nice little boost for him. Also it had more up to date characters like Vladamir Gurrerror or how ever it is spelled im too lazy to copy and paste. It was also the last year for the expos to be used in the Backyard Sports Franchise.
#5: Backyard Hockey
Finally, Backyard Hockey. This was a nice change of verity of sports they put off. I barely knew much about hockey back then, so it was a fun way to learn something. I don’t know I’m a nerd. One fun perk of this game was taking offsides away and just passing and cherry picking to score 50 goals in a hockey game. Plus, I don’t know checking just seems more fun in those types of games.
Well there you have it my list of top 5 backyard sports games. If you disagree then, well that’s neat.
Carter Fields is one of my best friends and for his birthday he wanted to get Comedy-Central-style roasted. So here it goes.
Let’s start by introducing Carter. He’s kind of like the Fez of our friend group. He looks like Mogley from Jungle Book and we’re not totally sure he knows how to read. One time our Spanish teacher asked Carter what he likes to do on the weekends and he said, “uhhhhh poptarts?”
He’s also not very popular with the ladies, which isn’t surprising given that most of his t-shirts have cats and lasers on them. His longest girlfriend ever dumped him… ON HIS 18TH BIRTHDAY. What kind of a savage would do that??
The only thing more broken than Carter’s love life is his wallet. In 2012, he ordered the market price steak and lobster and just about cried when the $80 check came. Moral of the story, Carter, if you have to ask… you still can’t afford it!
,
We give Carter a hard time but he’s really a good sport about it. Last year Carter lost the Revolution’s fantasy football league and we hazed him so hard. We made him dress up like a sorority girl, a ballerina, and try on a two piece swim-suit. So Carter, sorry we’re not helping with the whole ladies thing. (See the full photoshoot here).
On the plus-side, Carter is always good to have around for entertainment. In 2005, I convinced Carter to rappel out of a second story window and we got to watch him smack his head a few times on the way down. Honestly, this probably explains why he has the IQ of Crush (the turtle) from Finding Nemo.
Carter may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but he always has something smart to say about cats, otters, and (strangely enough) the Backyard Sports video game series. His expert analysis of the third topic is covered in today’s surprise bonus post, “Ryan’s Bloggy Thing: A Guest Post by Carter Fields.”
The moral of the story though is that Carter is a good guy and a great friend. One night we were at a party at Becca’s house after everyone else had left. Carter was busy cleaning the house and picking up trash when a broken bottle snagged his leg. He was bleeding so badly Becca, Zach and I put him in the bathtub. Carter gripped my hand as we poured hydrogen peroxide over the huge gash in his leg. We should have gone to the hospital… but we went to Cookout instead. Point is, Carter is always there for you when you need him and he’ll never complain about anything.
Part One of a Collaborative Series with Zach Routh
The Axis of Evil is a list of all things that stand in the way of what we as Americans hold dear. In 2002, George Bush (played by Will Ferrell on SNL) updated the Axis of Evil to include Enron, the economy, math, and Evil Kenevil (but that one’s a no brainer).
It’s 2018 now and the Axis of Evil needed updating. You can think of it like a basketball game and all the worst players are on one team called the “Axis of Evil”. And here’s their starting lineup:
Water Chestnuts
Want to ruin a meal? Stick a few water chestnuts in it.
Duke Power
Duke Power sucks. Their customer service sucks. Their website is a dumpster fire. They hate the environment. They get away with murder. They’re a bunch of mouth breathers.
When pizza burns the top of your mouth
Is it worth it? Probably. Should I be more patient and let it cool? Probably.
The NCAA
I love college sports, I hate the NCAA. They can’t make or enforce rules with any sort of rationality. As a “non-profit”, they steal billions of dollars from student-athletes and are rarely accountable for any sort of wrongdoing. Boo Mark Emmert, Boo.
Mayonnaise
Only psychopaths order extra mayo. **Some exceptions made for Chipotle Mayo and well-made chicken salad, pimento cheese, etc.**
The phrase “Same Difference”
If you replace the phrase “same thing” with the phrase “same difference” you are the worst. It doesn’t make any sense and in the end you’re likening two things instead of differentiating them. STOP THIS MADNESS.
Bread Ends Sandwich
This is the worst thing since sliced bread. Bread ends sandwich? That’s a no for me dawg.
When you bend down and your water bottle falls out of your backpack
And as soon as you bend down to pick up the water bottle something else falls, creating an endless cycle. The struggle is real folks.
Headphones jerking out of your ears
This mostly happens when I’m on a treadmill, causing alarm and overall disorientation. The bluetooth headphones almost sell themselves.
Carter had a bad fantasy football year and we punished him accordingly. The biggest loser in the league (Carter) had to create an embarrassing 12 month calendar of himself, with each league member picking the theme for one month. So really, we didn’t just punish him once… We punished him for 12 whole months.
“Nip-slip New Year” Directed by Evan
Evan scored more points than every team in the West division but struggled in the East. To celebrate not coming in last place, Evan dressed Carter up in a makeshift baby outfit to bring in the New Year.
“President’s Day” Directed by Zach
Zach got screwed— he missed the trophy by just two points. With a tear in his eye, Zach dressed up Carter in a nostalgic Barack Obama matching t-shirt and hat.
“Matt suspiciously flees the state” March
Matt won the 2017 league after finishing the 2016 season dead last with a paltry 925 cumulative points. To escape any suspicion, he immediately fled to the north, never to be seen again. (Picture selected by Carter)
“April Showers bring May Flowers” Directed by Andrew
Carter is wearing a full rain suit but Andrew couldn’t make it rain points in the league. Andrew barely squeaked by Carter in the last game to avoid the ultimate punishment.
“Cinco de Mayo/ Mother’s Day” Directed by Becca
We had nine players in the league but there’s twelve months in a year… so we called in our female friends to help fill in the gap. Here, Carter combines two holidays into one confusing picture.
“Beach Season” Directed by Ashley
Carter actually fills out this two piece swimsuit pretty well. Then again, he’s wearing a women’s swim suit at midnight 250 miles away from the nearest beach. Well played, Ash.
“Carter’s Birthday” Directed by Carter Fields
The dude likes cats and isn’t shy about it. Carter’s fantasy football fate was sealed from the very beginning after starting the season on a six game losing streak.
“Sorority Rush” Directed by Liz
“Throw what you know.” Liz didn’t play fantasy football but I bet even she could beat Carter’s team.
“Wake Me Up When September Ends” Directed by Nathan
Despite finishing fourth, Nathan had the highest cumulative points. This lethargic photo also reflects Carter’s lackadaisical attitude towards fantasy football.
“World Series” Directed by George (Carter)
After several pictures being deemed “inappropriate,” George finally gave up. Note George’s team name is also a jab at Carter; “Carter can’t (Jordan) Reed.”
“Boy Scout Popcorn Month” Directed by Ryan
Carter is wearing a youth-medium boy-scout uniform (waist size 22). Team Kelley also had a rough season though, finishing 5-6.
“The Nutcracker” Directed by Sean
Someone got their balls busted alright. Sean took down Carter 90-83 in Week 7 on the way to a 7-4 finish.
Most Snapchats last 10 seconds but these will go down in history forever.
This is my clear favorite. If you’re not as alarmed as Mike you need to get with the program.
See what they did here?
To be fair, Wendy’s doesn’t have their own naturally enhanced flavored water.
Part 1
Part 2. Yes this actually happened. Someone broke into Brittany’s car one night, took her GPS, most likely smoked a cigarette and left a surprise on top of the car. Cash reward for any leads.
We’ve all been there, he’s just the bravest to admit it.
I think Zach is actually on to something here.
A health expert recommended a rough guideline of about one ounce of full-fat cheese per day. Just FYI.
Somehow this was for a Spanish project. Nailed it.
Sadly, one of the most accurate pics on here.
Harrison’s natural hair color?
All natural.
Women can be founding fathers too!
Stylish? No. Practical? Yes.
Yes I keep a spare TV remote in my car. See my blog post on “Ryan’s Emergency Car Kit”.
That poor face says it all.
Her middle name is Alexandria Brianna (spell check?)
To clarify, Brooke convinced everyone to go out and then immediately fell asleep at the Barcade.
Dude forgot his mouthpiece and is rolling with it. Britt and I had court-side seats for the pic.
Will the real BigRin please stand up? A guest column by George Oliver
Ryan Kelley/Ryan Kelly. It’s a surprisingly generic name, and it’s tough to keep all of them straight. For those of you that have struggled to understand where our beloved blogger fits in the world of Ryan Kellys/Kelleys, no need to fear! My good friend has compiled an unbiased ranking of all these people (that we know), factoring qualities such as athleticism, intelligence, musical ability, proper spelling of “Ryan Kelley”, and blog quality.
Unranked – R Kelly
You may have expected R Kelly’s great musical ability to give him a fighting shot in these rankings, but you thought wrong because his first name is Robert. He’s not even remotely qualified for this competition.
T-6th – Ryan Kelley and Ryan Kelley
We actually don’t know too much about these Ryan Kelleys (we just discovered them in a Facebook search five seconds ago), but they both went to a couple dumb ag schools (NC State and Cornell), so they really can’t be much.
5th – Ryan Kelly
A basketball player for Duke and the Los Angeles Lakers, Ryan Kelly has some reasonable athletic prowess. But one look at his face and it’s clear he has zero musical prowess. His Duke degree may seem impressive, but it’s actually pretty lackluster as far as Ryan Kelleys go. Blog post is nonexistent and name is misspelled. Actually, he’s just an embarrassment of a Ryan Kelley.
4th – Ryan Kelly
A three-time national champion and unanimous All American at Alabama, Ryan Kelly is currently tearing it up in the NFL because he is a physical beast. Unfortunately, his education is not up to par, and his name is still spelled wrong, so he fails to reach the podium.
3rd – Ryan Kelly
A graduate of Brown, where he won the Ivy League Championships in the 200M at track, Ryan Kelly clearly has both intelligence and athleticism. However, his musical prowess and blog’s existence is TBD. Plus, his name is still wrong. Clearly his Brown degree didn’t teach him how to spell.
2nd – Ryan Kelley
Ryan Kelley had a respectable track career at the US Naval Academy, with a 5K time as fast as 14 minutes 24 seconds. We can assume his brains and athleticism are the reason why our military has been destroying ISIS left and right in recent months. Sadly, he seems to keep a low-profile due to his tenure in the military, so there is no blog to judge him by. He would’ve been a clear winner otherwise because let’s be real; this Ryan slays.
1st – TheBigRinRyan
This Ryan Kelley is the real deal. He’s squared up with Chris Paul in basketball (above) in addition to killing the JV Cross Country scene in High School. He can play just about any Guitar Hero song on medium. His name is spelled correctly. Plus, he has a quality education from the prestigious University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and writes a world-class blog with no less than 26 views on any given post. With all due respect to Ryan Kelley, this Ryan Kelley is the clear-cut greatest Ryan Kelley.
Editor’s note: George Oliver did not receive any compensation for this article.
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The big "R" in Ryan 