In my fantasy football league, whoever gets the lowest score each week has to chug a Smirnoff Ice. Here’s my latest video. Curious what happens if you get the lowest score for the entire season? Check out my previous post.
Author: rkelleyc
Senior Superlatives… Did we get it right?
It’s been nine years since Mount Tabor gave out these prestigious awards. Did we give the right awards to the right people? Cast your vote at the bottom.
1. Most Intelligent: George Oliver
Was this the right choice? Definitely.
George Oliver is no stranger to winning awards dating back to the middle school geography bee. He knows every world capital, several languages, and the answers to every quiz in “Seventeen” magazine.
2. Best Dressed: Matt Stockburger
Was this the right choice? Probably not.
Matt was never afraid to take a fashion risk. Unfortunately, some of those risks didn’t work out, like UGG boots for men, cowboy boots with short shorts, or, my favorite, a crop top with “USC GameCOCKS” on the front (big emphasis on the COCKS).
3. Most Athletic: Neal Callahan
Was this the right choice? At the time, yes. Right now, no.
Neal had six pack abs since elementary school and was a two-sport varsity athlete in high school. But he totally washed out as soon as he went to college and joined a fraternity. Now he’s Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite.
4. Most Musical: Liz Olson
Was this the right choice? Unquestionable yes.
Liz was in all of the high school plays, talent shows, and choral groups. Since then, she’s earned a Bachelor’s degree in Music Theory, a Master’s degree in Choral Conducting, and has even performed at Red Rocks amphitheater. This pick was right on key.
5. Most spirited: Kayla Blevins
Was this the right choice? TBD.
According to Kayla, her biggest accomplishment as Senior Class President was choosing the theme for high school football games. Her next responsibility is planning our 10 year high school reunion in 2021. I’m going to hold off on a formal rating until I find out if the party will have an open bar or not.
6. Most Spirited: Sean Gartley
Was this the right choice? Probably.
Sean went to every high school sporting event… mainly just to find out where the after party was… but he was there.
Was Ryan a Ladies’ Man in Middle School? Analyzing photo evidence from old year books
Hindsight is 20:20. Take a look at who signed my yearbook and then vote at the bottom.
Evidence For:
1. Sparkly eyes… check.
2. Back to back phone numbers. Score.
3. Nice.
Evidence Against:
1. Uh oh. This isn’t good.
2. Seriously?? Two in one year really hurts.
3. This is DEFINITELY not what I was going for. Here’s a note I got from another male track team member.
4. I’m 100% sure this never happened.
5… And by ninth grade the only signature I got was from my sister.
In Conclusion, No, probably not.
Cell phones have gotten lamer over time
Cell phones used to have cool features like built in walkie talkies and hidden keyboards. Now they all look the same and do the same thing. Was it all worth it? Check out these cool features and decide for yourself.
Motorola i850
Pros: It’s literally indestructible and it has a built in walkie talkie. Plus, every Motorola comes with a free belt clip.
Cons: You have to stand on one foot and face east to get service. It can only store like three photos. You can’t silence the walkie talkie feature.
LG Env2
Pros: Bam! Full flip out Qwerty keyboard.
Cons: The battery life is about 45 minutes. The “9” button on the front doesn’t work.
Blackberry Curve 8330
Pros: It has Blackberry Messenger, a chat service so exclusive that only three other people have it.
Cons: It sends about three butt dials per hour, and it takes about 30 minutes to download an email. Trying to type is a nightmare.
Samsung Juke
Pros: It doubles as an mp3 player, fits in your pocket, and the clock is reasonably accurate.
Cons: I’m not sure if this can actually make a phone call or not.
Samsung Alias:
Pros: It comes pre-loaded with Fall Out Boy’s tier 2 album “Infinity on High.”
Cons: Every key has both a number and a letter on it so you never know exactly what you’re going to get. The average lifespan of this phone is about two weeks.
The Drawbacks of Having a Girlfriend
There are good things too I’m just saying… Here are some of the drawbacks:
If you try to be funny you’re going to get sent to therapy.
To be honest, I don’t really want to touch the spiders either.
Can I just sit down for like five minutes??
THE COLD HANDS
When your french fries magically disappear.
Buying expensive gifts that still miss the mark.
Constant fear of getting one of these texts.
All of her things somehow end up in my pockets anyway.
She can’t stay awake through Pulp Fiction or Fight Club.
Putting up with shenanigans like this.
…There are lots of pros too, though, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
If you liked (or disliked) this post, you might also like (or dislike) my previous post, How Much Does it Really Cost to Have a Girlfriend: A One-month Study.
Quarantine: A Story Through Pictures
Here’s what life was like from my eyes. Am I forgetting anything?
Enjoyed cheap gas but nowhere to go.
Watched Tiger King (and played dress up).
Grew a beard (and ranked it against my friends’ beards)
Worked from home and gave PPP loans to small businesses.
Relaxed the office dress code.
Found new ways to exercise (shout out to In Yo House Fitness).
Practiced martial arts with the TST Squad.
Spent “quality time” with friends and family.
Supported local breweries.
Argued about trivial things, like what’s the best kitchen appliance (Final results here).
Spent time outside.
Perfected the “to go” order.
Dealt with some sh!t.
Laura Kelley Isn’t a Regular Mom… She’s a Cool Mom.
A few highlights about Laura:
- Voted “most ambitious” in her high school class.
- Had an epic three-year adventure in Colorado after college.
- Holds an MBA from Wake Forest.
- Has two awesome kids.
But really the coolest thing about my mom is her unique ability to connect with people. She knows how to have a full conversation with a toddler, what to write in a birthday card, and how to treat all people with respect. And she NEVER lets any of my blog posts go without a comment. Happy Mother’s Day.
What’s the best household appliance? A Spirited Quarantine Debate
My friends and I can’t argue about sports, so we had to get a little bit creative. What’s the best household appliance? Read our arguments and cast your vote below.
1. George Foreman Grill, as presented by Evan.
- Tap inside the slideshow to go to the next slide.
2. Bidet, as presented by Becca.
3. Wine opener, as presented by Liz
4. Washing Machine, as presented by Ryan.
- What else are you going to do? Wash your clothes in a polluted river? Get mugged at a sketchy laundromat?
5. Old School Beer Fridge, as presented by George.
- Capacity: 48 frosty bois and 12 diet cokes.
- Reliable workhorse, will always come through for you.
- Retail value: $40, but you can probably negotiate it down to $20.
6. Coffee Maker, as presented by Carter.
- What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Think about coffee. It’s always there for you to get your day going.
7. Air Fryer, as presented by Zach.
- Tap inside the slideshow to advance it. You don’t want to miss Zach’s animations.
Who has the Best Quarantine Beard?
This wasn’t a planned competition– It just kind of happened with my friend group, the Revolution. Here are my rankings but I need your vote at the bottom!
1. Zach, who’s about two weeks away from joining the rock bank ZZ Top.
2. Carter. “A beard trimmer? What’s that?”
3. Ryan, whose mom says she loves his facial hair.
4. Matt, who looks like he just went to Burning Man and won’t shut up about it.
5. George, who has the same amount of hair on his face and his head.
6. Thomas, who could totally join a biker gang if he wanted to. And he has a cute dog.
7. Evan, who can’t wait to start his freshman year of college.
8. Sean, whose mustache might be on a few neighborhood posters.
9. Andrew, who looks like he should be bagging groceries at Whole Foods.
**P.S. I really liked the mustaches. Unfortunately these guys were participating in a beard competition they didn’t even know about.
The WORST Recipes From My Sister’s First Grade Class
Over Christmas, my sister was looking for an apple pie recipe. My mom found this book, “Yummy Apple Recipes” from Erin’s first grade class. I’m no expert but some of these recipes don’t look quite right… In fact, some of these might be dangerous. Here are some of the pages from that book, ranked from “most worst” to “least worst.” I even tried making a few…
1. Erin’s Apple Pie:
Ingredients: There are only three ingredients?? I’m concerned.
Instructions: Confusing… It says to “Cook it in the oven at 12”??
Is it edible? No! It tasted like scrambled eggs on top of a cooked apple.
2. Kendall’s Apple Honey
Ingredients: What?? The recipe calls for “20 bumble bees”?? (I used honey instead).
Instructions: On par for a first grader… “Smoosh the apples.” Lol.
Is it edible? Yeah, it was okay. Just okay.
3. Sarah Katherine’s Apple Cookies
Ingredients: These seem to be the right ingredients but the wrong amounts. It turned into a liquid mess so I made pancakes instead.
Instructions: Close, but no.
Is it edible? Somewhat. With some work, apple pancakes is a great idea.
4. Megan’s Apple Milkshake:
Ingredients: Raw eggs and flour in a milkshake?? That’s a no from me dawg.
Instructions: Please don’t make this at home.
Is it edible? No!
5. Colin’s Apple Cider:
Ingredients: There’s more sugar than water??
Instructions: No way this would blend.
Is it edible? Maybe if you want diabetes.
6. Brooke’s Apple Ice Cream:
Ingredients: The recipe calls for 3 apples and 2 gallons of sugar?? This should be called Sugar Ice Cream.
Instructions: To be brief, this isn’t how you make ice cream.
Is it edible? I wouldn’t recommend it, no.
7. Mackenzie’s Apple Popsicles
Ingredients: She wants to use frozen milk as a Popsicle base??
Instructions: Unfortunately, these Popsicles are never going to freeze in the refrigerator.
Is it edible? I guess….
8. Ryan’s Apple Men (Not me)
Ingredients: Apples and pretzels.
Instructions: It’s kind of dumb… but it worked.
Is it edible? I don’t know why you would eat this, but you could.
9. Logan’s Apple Juice
Ingredients: Basic.
Instructions: I’m impressed at the level of detail. Evidently, “11 minutes” is the perfect amount of time to chill your apple juice.
Is it edible? Yes!
Check out my other cooking related blog posts:
How to Food: The One Where Ryan Learns How to Cook and Can Teach You Too
Less than Four and Under 20: Ryan Learns How to Cook and So Can You! (Part 2)
The big "R" in Ryan 