It gets better every day. Over the past year, we’ve settled into our new home, went on an amazing honeymoon in Mexico, and cherished the ups and downs of every day life. And part of that happiness is due to the great advice we received from friends and family along the way, including:
My sister, who evidently watches a lot of TV
“I’ve learned a lot about marriage from watching Family Feud.
Support your team – even if the answer is not the best, respond with “good answer, good answer” Same goes in marriage, support one another’s dreams and goals and be each other’s biggest cheerleader
When asked after a lighting round, always say “we wanna play, Steve!” – I hope in your marriage you’ll always be willing to play, take a risk and go all in. And finally,
Win or lose, celebrate and act like you just won the prize – This one is pretty self explanatory, but have fun and hold each other tight during the good and hard times that life may bring you.”
Erin
Carol, who knows exactly how to lighten the mood
“I know I’m supposed to offer up relationship advice, but I’m single with a cat, so what do I know?! So here’s a Mad Lib from the wedding party instead:
What’s some advice that’s worth its weight in STEEL? First, let’s be real. FLOOFY disagreements are inevitable and can be as petty as fighting over whether to order curried CHEESECAKE or CHOCOLATE MOLTEN CAKE. Just remember that a(n) SPICY wife is a(n) HAIRY life. And when you act like a KERFLUFFLE, just apologize! Get in the habit of saying BYE BUDDY, HOPE YOU FIND YOUR DAD! And never go to bed BOTHERED.
Remember to fan the DOGS of romance. Draw up a luxurious SMIRNOFF ICE bath and light some UN-SCOOPED KITTY LITTER scented candles for your beloved. But in all seriousness, the most important advice I can offer is to choose to love each other every day, even the hard ones, and always have fun.”
Caroline
Becca, who must’ve had a bad experience in the past…
“Get the absolute best Christmas tree stand you can. It’ll save your marriage.”
Becca
Garrett, my big brother from another mother
“Savor all the time you can and make mental images. But also make space for yourselves and remember it’s okay to be a little selfish with your time and preferences.
Garrett
Carter, quoting Nickelback
“I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame. I’d even cut my hair and change my name… Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar”
Carter
Brittany’s uncles, who have collectively been married for a very long time
“See if you’re still smiling in 25 years. LOL.”
Danny, Wayne, and Nick
Bobby, who forgot I’m a practicing martial artist
“Conflict is good sometimes.”
Bobby
Casey, who can rock the piano and your heart
“Love is like a pool. Take the plunge and meet in the middle where you’re both the most vulnerable.”
Casey
Brittany’s dad, the most photogenic person in the room
I’m in an exclusive small group that trades marginally politically incorrect memes that you probably wouldn’t want your grandmother to see. The group, aptly named “send memes,” has some of my best friends, some of my friends’ friends, and even a few celebrities like Dwayne the Rock Johnson (who was added against his will and never actually opened the chat). By now you probably already know I like to rank things, so let’s dive in. Who’s the best at finding and sharing memes?
The results were measured by looking at every meme posted in the group over the past three years and keeping track of which posts got the most “likes,” and who sent them. There’s probably over 5,000 memes in the chat but the “best of the best” memes all have at least six “likes” from the group, and usually involve satire, poking fun at PC culture, an irreverent twist on current events, or strangely, The Lord of the Rings. So here are the winners and losers, ranked by the number of memes submitted with 6+ “likes.” I’ve also included a sampling of each person’s top memes.
Ryan, Jimmy, and Wes were neck and neck heading into the fourth quarter but Ryan ultimately pulled away with the most consistent (meme) running game
1st Place: Ryan
With eight memes on the leaderboard, Ryan was the clear choice for the winner by volume. His posts generate widespread acclaim for mocking the absurdities of modern life; specializing in pop culture and office humor. Ryan is your bread and butter RB1.
A close second, Jimmy puts up powerful memes that bring back some serious childhood memories like binge watching Lord of the Rings, playing Pokemon Yellow until 4am, and fighting with your friends over the Halo controller. This friendly rivalry could turn into an all out fist fight come playoff season.
Wes is a serious contender, having shared the most popular meme ever in the group shown below. I don’t totally understand it but I guess everyone else does. Regardless, Wes’ has an undisputed monopoly on timely and spicy memes on current events.
Luke is a dark horse candidate that could blast into the top 3 on a moment’s notice. He can take any scenario and spin it in a completely different direction with his sinister humor.
Thomas is the group wildcard. He excels in finding obscure accounts and going straight for the shock factor. Some of his posts don’t always land but when they do, they’re big.
I expected a better performance out of Sean since he largely brought this group together. He’ll sneak in with some fire memes but we really need to see more from him.
Addison has strong potential based on his quick trigger for being the first person in your contact list to share viral memes. He’s down on the list but don’t count him out.
Jeff deserves to keep his starting position but we’d keep him near the bottom of the batting order. Even so, he’ll impress you with you his brashness and absurdity. Daniel Radcliffe rapping? Classic.
Back in the day Zach was a mean linebacker for our high school football team. Nowadays he’s the king of dad jokes and often reminisces about we would’ve been state champions if coach had put him in in the fourth quarter. Is Zach a “has been” or is he just getting starting with his new career in the meme game? I’m thinking its the latter.
Tied for 8th place: Eric
Covid-19 led to some of best memes of our generation. However these memes became a dime a dozen as Covid dragged on. We’ll have to wait and see if Eric can tread water in the new meme environment.
These guys have never even had the courage to dream about standing on the winner’s podium. They’d rather fake a tummy ache than go up to bat with the game on the line. In fact, over three years and thousands of at bats, they’ve never even gotten on base. Their memes are old, tired, or non-existent.
Are you smarter than the 2012 Mount Tabor academic team? Or Zach’s 9th grade social studies class? Or have you at least read my blog posts? Take the four round quiz here to find out. My mom currently holds the record at 24/40 questions correct.
Round 1: But did you really read my blog though?
Round 2: Homeownership 101
Round 3: Rock and Roll Trivia
Round 4: Are you smarter than a high schooler?
Here’s the leaderboard as of 7/27/23. Let me know your score in the comments and I’ll add you to the list.
Artificial intelligence could soon put my blog out of business. But before throwing in the towel, who’s posts do you like more? To find out, I took some of my old posts and asked ChatGPT to answer the same topics.
1. What was the coolest cell phone in the early 2000’s?
Ryan:
The Samsung Juke. It doubles as an mp3 player, fits in your pocket, and the clock is reasonably accurate. The only con is that I’m not sure if it can actually make a phone call or not.
ChatGPT:
The Nokia 3310. With its physical buttons that required a Herculean effort to press, texting on the Nokia 3310 was like playing a high-stakes game of finger gymnastics. If you mastered the art of texting on this phone, you were considered a modern-day Shakespeare.
The George Foreman Grill, as presented by Evan and voted on by the Revolution
ChatGPT:
The Washing Machine.
It’s a marvel of modern technology, freeing us from the ancient burden of hand-washing clothes. It’s like having a magical vortex that devours your dirty laundry and spits out fresh, clean garments. But beware of the treacherous sock-eating monster that lurks within.
Colin’s Apple Cider, from my sister’s 1st grade class cookbook. Note this recipe has more sugar than water, and one of the ingredients is “one bowl.” Some of the other recipes in the cookbook included bizarre ingredients like 20 bumble bees??, raw eggs and flour (yuck!), and then nonsensical instructions like “cook at 12 for 11.”
ChatGPT:
Apple Explosion Delight:
Take peeled apples and give them a nice roll in glitter. Make sure they sparkle like magical disco balls. It’s all about that glitz and glamour in our recipe.
In a large bowl, combine the toothpaste and ketchup. Stir it up until it becomes a sticky, colorful mess. This is our top-secret sauce that will bring all the flavors together. Or maybe not.
5. Name something useful you learned from your dad
Ryan:
With boats, don’t ask how much it’s going to cost. You don’t want to know. Just do it.
ChatGPT:
Having a secret stash of snacks strategically hidden throughout the house ensures a constant supply of deliciousness. Whether it’s a bag of chips behind the sofa or cookies in the bathroom cabinet, be prepared for any snacking emergency.
6. Can you turn your craziest dream into a movie idea?
Ryan:
Movie Title: The Pirate from the Shadows
Plot: My sister Erin and I find out we have an evil step-brother. Because of a traumatic incident as a child at Disney World, he thinks he’s a pirate, and has been locked away for years in a mental hospital. He escapes and comes after our family for revenge, armed with a pirate ship and crew.
ChatGPT:
Movie Title: Chronicles of the Quantum Dreamers
Plot: In a world where dreams come alive and reality bends to the whims of the subconscious, a quirky group of individuals discover they possess the ability to control their dreams and enter a shared dream realm called the “Quantum Dream.”
Our protagonist, Max, a socially awkward math genius, finds himself trapped in a perpetual dream loop where he’s chased by a horde of rubber duckies armed with laser guns. Desperate to escape this nightmarish cycle, he stumbles upon an underground society of Dreamers, led by the enigmatic Dr. Lucidia.
Dr. Lucidia reveals that the Quantum Dream is under threat from an evil dream villain known as the Nightmare King, whose malevolent presence is infecting dreams with fear and chaos. Max, along with a colorful crew of fellow Dreamers, including a retired circus performer who controls dreams through juggling and a talking cat with a knack for riddles, embarks on a mind-bending quest to stop the Nightmare King and restore balance to the dream realm.
The only thing more broken than Carter’s love life is his wallet. As a broke high school student in 2012, he ordered the market price steak and lobster, and just about cried when the $80 check came. Moral of the story, Carter, if you have to ask… you still can’t afford it!
ChatGPT:
Carter, you’re like our very own Fez from That ’70s Show. I mean, with that wild hair and those big, innocent eyes, it’s like you were plucked straight out of the Jungle Book. And let’s be real here, we’re not entirely convinced you know how to read. Remember that time in Spanish class when the teacher asked about your weekend plans, and all you could muster up was “uhhhhh poptarts?” Yeah, Carter, we’ve got our doubts.
8. How much does it cost to have a girlfriend per month?
Ryan:
Grand Total: $70.50
May 1: Britt bought ice cream for both of us. Running total: -$3.50. May 4: Britt bought me a cocktail at Calavera. Running total: -$13.50. May 8: I bought ice cream. Running total: -$10. May $19: I bought a round of drinks at Top O. Running total: -$4. May 20: Erin (my sister) gave me tickets to a Brad Paisely concert. Cost: free! We went to dinner beforehand at the Loop. Running total: $5.50. May 23: Dinner at Imbibe, I had a gift card so it was basically free. Don’t go here for food though… 1 star. May 31: So this one’s on me. I really wanted to go to a Green Day concert and I think the only way I could convince anyone to go with me was if I buy a ticket for Britt. Running total: $70.50.
ChatGPT:
Grad Total: $220
Gift expenses: $50 – Because nothing says “I love you” like a bouquet of half-price gas station flowers and a last-minute, on-sale box of chocolates. Romance on a budget, folks!
Date nights: $100 – We’re talking about those fancy candlelit dinners at the finest fast-food establishments, complete with the extra-value meal and a shared soda. Classy, yet cost-effective.
Movie outings: $40 – Catching the latest blockbuster movies on discount Tuesdays, armed with a smuggled-in bag of stale popcorn and a pocketful of expired coupons.
Miscellaneous surprises: $30 – This includes those spontaneous moments of chivalry, like buying her a dollar store trinket or surprise serenading her with a kazoo rendition of her favorite song.
Emotional support: Priceless – Because being there for each other during good times, bad times, and the “I can’t decide what to wear” times is invaluable. Cue the sentimental music.
Brittany, John, and I just returned from a long trip through Utah’s National Parks nicknamed the “Mighty Five.” Rather than taking boring traditional pictures, I decided to just take pictures of Brittany taking pictures (and she took a lot).
Here’s the first picture that inspired this blog post, taken at Zion National park. Right after we got there, Brittany quickly pulled out her phone to take a picture of these deer. Turns out we’d see about a thousand more over the next few days. A rare picture of both Brittany and John taking a picture of the same view from Zion. These rock formations are called “hoodoos” at Bryce Canyon National Park. Brittany snapping a picture of John at the Mesa Arch in Canyonlands National Park. Awesome view under the arch. Notice the camera lens cover is still on. Another view of Bryce Canyon where the ground underneath a tree has eroded over time. This is a morning sunrise near Capitol Reef National Park.This is the bridge over Hoover Dam, where I was clinging tightly to the wall. Taken from the Ethel M. Chocolate Factory near Las Vegas, which had a strangely decorated Cactus garden outside.
According to a recent study (by me), the average purse holder has 24 things in their purse at any given time. But do they really need all those things? Take a look at the exclusive results.
Erin, 21 items in purse
Sample of items:
Two water bottles. (I could understand one, but two is too many).
An iPad Charger. Doesn’t have an iPad.
Last week’s grocery list.
Icy Hot and several very specific medications that she doesn’t need.
Favorite Quote: “I’m not really sure why I have an iPad charger in my purse. I don’t even have an iPad.”
Ryan’s review: Erin’s purse is like your junk drawer. Everything in there was useful at one time but now it’s time to clean it out.
Brittany, 14 items in purse
Sample of items:
Two dice and one playing card. (Not sure what games you can play with that…)
Four different types of hand sanitizer.
Coffee creamer.
An Apple pencil (but doesn’t carry around her iPad??).
Favorite Quote: “I don’t know. I just feel really bad throwing away coffee creamer.”
Ryan’s review: Bigger purses lead to bigger problems. No one needs that much hand sanitizer.
Kayla, 36 items in purse
Sample of items:
A good luck charm.
Lots of old/expired things: Two receipts, a gift certificate, two coupons, one rewards card, and an old name tag.
An old Apple watch band.
Touch up, eye shadow, and lipstick even though “I haven’t worn makeup since before Covid.”
Favorite Quote: “Yeah everything in here is expired so I guess not…”
Ryan’s review: Would you carry all of those things around in your pockets? If not, it probably doesn’t belong in your purse.
Carol, 11 items in purse
Sample of items:
Pepper spray but doesn’t know how to use it.
One quarter. Just one.
Eye drops.
A single pen.
Favorite Quote: “It’s nine years old and I’m not even sure how to use it [pepper spray], but it makes me feel better.”
Ryan’s review: This was by far the cleanest purse but I could still live without most of the things in it.
Laura, 22 items in purse
Sample of items:
A calendar, sticky notes, business card, and a sheet with all her passwords written on it. Aka all things that could (and should be stored on her phone). I’m also slightly concerned about her digital security.
A map of the Biltmore house. Only the essentials, right?
Knitting needles. Maybe I’ll show her how to play games on her phone?
A pair of scissors.
Favorite Quote: “I put things in my purse so I know where they are… they’re in my purse. Have you seen my purse?”
Ryan’s review: We need to bring my mom into the 21st century… you don’t need to carry around a full size calendar in your purse anymore. Or a map of the Biltmore house?
Linda, 38 items in purse
Sample of items:
Four pairs of glasses. With a purse as big as hers, she needs multiple pairs so she can find one.
Pictures to take with her to her next hair appointment.
A lifetime supply of pens, about half don’t work.
Several different notepads.
Favorite Quote/ Fun Fact: Linda won a contest at her last high school reunion for having the most things in her purse. The prize was an even bigger purse.
Ryan’s review: This purse is like Hermione’s handbag from Harry Potter… it just doesn’t seem to have a bottom.
𝕴𝖓 𝕮𝖔𝖓𝖈𝖑𝖚𝖘𝖎𝖔𝖓: No, you probably don’t need all those things in your purse. But who am I to say? I don’t have a purse.
In my fantasy football league, whoever gets the lowest score each week has to chug a Smirnoff Ice. Here’s my latest video. Curious what happens if you get the lowest score for the entire season? Check out my previous post.
It’s been nine years since Mount Tabor gave out these prestigious awards. Did we give the right awards to the right people? Cast your vote at the bottom.
1. Most Intelligent: George Oliver
Was this the right choice? Definitely.
George Oliver is no stranger to winning awards dating back to the middle school geography bee. He knows every world capital, several languages, and the answers to every quiz in “Seventeen” magazine.
2. Best Dressed: Matt Stockburger
Was this the right choice? Probably not.
Matt was never afraid to take a fashion risk. Unfortunately, some of those risks didn’t work out, like UGG boots for men, cowboy boots with short shorts, or, my favorite, a crop top with “USC GameCOCKS” on the front (big emphasis on the COCKS).
3. Most Athletic: Neal Callahan
Was this the right choice? At the time, yes. Right now, no.
Neal had six pack abs since elementary school and was a two-sport varsity athlete in high school. But he totally washed out as soon as he went to college and joined a fraternity. Now he’s Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite.
4. Most Musical: Liz Olson
Was this the right choice? Unquestionable yes.
Liz was in all of the high school plays, talent shows, and choral groups. Since then, she’s earned a Bachelor’s degree in Music Theory, a Master’s degree in Choral Conducting, and has even performed at Red Rocks amphitheater. This pick was right on key.
5. Most spirited: Kayla Blevins
Was this the right choice? TBD.
According to Kayla, her biggest accomplishment as Senior Class President was choosing the theme for high school football games. Her next responsibility is planning our 10 year high school reunion in 2021. I’m going to hold off on a formal rating until I find out if the party will have an open bar or not.
6. Most Spirited: Sean Gartley
Was this the right choice? Probably.
Sean went to every high school sporting event… mainly just to find out where the after party was… but he was there.
The big "R" in Ryan 