Funny

12 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Suck at Fantasy Football

/ rkelleyc / 4 Comments

Carter had a bad fantasy football year and we punished him accordingly. The biggest loser in the league (Carter) had to create an embarrassing 12 month calendar of himself, with each league member picking the theme for one month. So really, we didn’t just punish him once… We punished him for 12 whole months.

“Nip-slip New Year” Directed by Evan

1 January 001

Evan scored more points than every team in the West division but struggled in the East. To celebrate not coming in last place, Evan dressed Carter up in a makeshift baby outfit to bring in the New Year.

“President’s Day” Directed by Zach

2 February 001

Zach got screwed— he missed the trophy by just two points. With a tear in his eye, Zach dressed up Carter in a nostalgic Barack Obama matching t-shirt and hat.

“Matt suspiciously flees the state” March

3 March 001

Matt won the 2017 league after finishing the 2016 season dead last with a paltry 925 cumulative points. To escape any suspicion, he immediately fled to the north, never to be seen again. (Picture selected by Carter)

“April Showers bring May Flowers” Directed by Andrew

4 april 001

Carter is wearing a full rain suit but Andrew couldn’t make it rain points in the league. Andrew barely squeaked by Carter in the last game to avoid the ultimate punishment.

“Cinco de Mayo/ Mother’s Day” Directed by Becca

5 mauy 001

We had nine players in the league but there’s twelve months in a year… so we called in our female friends to help fill in the gap. Here, Carter combines two holidays into one confusing picture.

“Beach Season” Directed by Ashley

6 june 001

Carter actually fills out this two piece swimsuit pretty well. Then again, he’s wearing a women’s swim suit at midnight 250 miles away from the nearest beach. Well played, Ash.

“Carter’s Birthday” Directed by Carter Fields

7 july 001

The dude likes cats and isn’t shy about it. Carter’s fantasy football fate was sealed from the very beginning after starting the season on a six game losing streak.

“Sorority Rush” Directed by Liz

8 august 001

“Throw what you know.” Liz didn’t play fantasy football but I bet even she could beat Carter’s team.

“Wake Me Up When September Ends” Directed by Nathan

9 september 001

Despite finishing fourth, Nathan had the highest cumulative points. This lethargic photo also reflects Carter’s lackadaisical attitude towards fantasy football.

“World Series” Directed by George (Carter)

10 october 001

After several pictures being deemed “inappropriate,” George finally gave up. Note George’s team name is also a jab at Carter; “Carter can’t (Jordan) Reed.”

“Boy Scout Popcorn Month” Directed by Ryan

11 november 001

Carter is wearing a youth-medium boy-scout uniform (waist size 22). Team Kelley also had a rough season though, finishing 5-6.

“The Nutcracker” Directed by Sean

12 december 001

Someone got their balls busted alright. Sean took down Carter 90-83 in Week 7 on the way to a 7-4 finish.

A Comprehensive Ranking of Every Ryan Kell(e)y (That We Know)

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Will the real BigRin please stand up? A guest column by George Oliver

Ryan Kelley/Ryan Kelly.  It’s a surprisingly generic name, and it’s tough to keep all of them straight.  For those of you that have struggled to understand where our beloved blogger fits in the world of Ryan Kellys/Kelleys, no need to fear!  My good friend has compiled an unbiased ranking of all these people (that we know), factoring qualities such as athleticism, intelligence, musical ability, proper spelling of “Ryan Kelley”, and blog quality.

Unranked – R Kelly

r kelley 2

 You may have expected R Kelly’s great musical ability to give him a fighting shot in these rankings, but you thought wrong because his first name is Robert.  He’s not even remotely qualified for this competition.

T-6th – Ryan Kelley and Ryan Kelley

  r kelley 6th place   r kelley 6th place 2

We actually don’t know too much about these Ryan Kelleys (we just discovered them in a Facebook search five seconds ago), but they both went to a couple dumb ag schools (NC State and Cornell), so they really can’t be much.

5th – Ryan Kelly

 r kelley 5th place

A basketball player for Duke and the Los Angeles Lakers, Ryan Kelly has some reasonable athletic prowess.  But one look at his face and it’s clear he has zero musical prowess.  His Duke degree may seem impressive, but it’s actually pretty lackluster as far as Ryan Kelleys go.  Blog post is nonexistent and name is misspelled.  Actually, he’s just an embarrassment of a Ryan Kelley.

4th – Ryan Kelly

 r kelley 4th place

A three-time national champion and unanimous All American at Alabama, Ryan Kelly is currently tearing it up in the NFL because he is a physical beast.   Unfortunately, his education is not up to par, and his name is still spelled wrong, so he fails to reach the podium.

3rd – Ryan Kelly

r kelley 3rd place

A graduate of Brown, where he won the Ivy League Championships in the 200M at track, Ryan Kelly clearly has both intelligence and athleticism.  However, his musical prowess and blog’s existence is TBD.  Plus, his name is still wrong.  Clearly his Brown degree didn’t teach him how to spell.

 2nd – Ryan Kelley

r kelley 2nd place

Ryan Kelley had a respectable track career at the US Naval Academy, with a 5K time as fast as 14 minutes 24 seconds.  We can assume his brains and athleticism are the reason why our military has been destroying ISIS left and right in recent months.  Sadly, he seems to keep a low-profile due to his tenure in the military, so there is no blog to judge him by.  He would’ve been a clear winner otherwise because let’s be real; this Ryan slays.

1st – TheBigRinRyan

r kelley 1st place

This Ryan Kelley is the real deal.  He’s squared up with Chris Paul in basketball (above) in addition to killing the JV Cross Country scene in High School.  He can play just about any Guitar Hero song on medium.  His name is spelled correctly.  Plus, he has a quality education from the prestigious University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and writes a world-class blog with no less than 26 views on any given post.  With all due respect to Ryan Kelley, this Ryan Kelley is the clear-cut greatest Ryan Kelley.

Editor’s note: George Oliver did not receive any compensation for this article. 

 

Coke vs. Pepsi vs. Coke Zero (a statistically insignificant study)

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In full disclosure I don’t really drink sodas but I decided to do a blind taste test and rank them anyway. Here’s the main takeaway; the older Coke Zero formula is better, although they all taste about the same.

2017-10-08_14-49-52 Ryan

Takeaways from Ryan: I used to be a huge jerk for always replying “No, Pepsi isn’t okay” given that I preferred Pepsi to Coke in a blind taste test. Also I may have missed every guess but at least I was able to differentiate between sugar and sugar-free.

2017-10-08_14-49-28 evan

Takeaways from Evan: Evan likes to drink both Coke and Coke Zero so these results probably won’t affect his soda drinking habits. Plus it doesn’t really matter that he likes the old formula better because it’s now been totally replaced.

What to look for next: Cut-Throat (billiards) statistics: Does order matter? Is rock-paper-scissors really random?

Your high school class schedule: As told by Pulp Fiction

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My friend Zach is studying to be a teacher so I put together a few “lesson plans” to get him started…

Geography Class:

Film GIFs - Find & Share on GIPHY

English Class:

Mrw GIFs - Find & Share on GIPHY

French Class:

unnamed

“A royale with cheese”

If there’s a smart mouth in the class…

Quotes GIFs - Find & Share on GIPHY

Civics:

It's illegal to carry it, but-but that doesn't matter, 'cause get a load of this.

“…if you get stopped by a cop in Amsterdam, it’s illegal for them to search you. I mean that’s a right the cops in Amsterdam don’t have.”

Uncovering Ryan’s Google Search History: An Exposé

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Here’s a list of questions I’m too embarrassed to ask in public but just dumb enough I’ll post on the internet. Answering life’s toughest questions like  “how to food” and “is it safe to buy advil from Mexico.”

May 12: “does butter have  carbs” –Surprisingly no, no carbs in butter.

May 7: “baby its 3 a.m. and I must be lonely” –Looks like I was looking for the Matchbox 20 song…

May 3: “a nation’s pride (1944)” –A fictional movie from the movie Inglorious Bastards.

April 3: “how many days in April” –Appropriately asked on April 3.

March 27: “mens book club near me” –This one wasn’t my idea…

March 24: “when guys brunch” –I don’t remember what was going on here… I do like brunch though.

March 21: “suddenly i don’t feel so insecure” –Strange I know but it’s a Sum 41 song.

March 21: “why do we have social security” –Mainly to decrease poverty for the elderly and protect people from poor financial investments.

March 19: “urban dictionary keeping it real” Find out what happens when keeping it real goes wrong here.

March 17: “fake news” –Lots of news about fake news.

March 14: “is charles schwab a bank” –I think so but the fact that I had to ask that question means I probably shouldn’t be using them.

March 12: “Can I spray paint beer bottles?” –Yes its generally safe if you ever have the need, just don’t get paint near the cap.

How Much Does it Really Cost to Have a Girlfriend: A One-month Study

/ rkelleyc / 3 Comments

I already know your first thought… Brittany (your girlfriend) is going to kill you! Probably true but I did it anyways. Over the past month, I kept track of every direct cost of having a girlfriend.

May 1: Britt bought ice cream for me. Cost: $3.5. Running total: -$3.50 (dollars to have a girlfriend each month).
May 4: Britt bought me an expensive cocktail at Calavera. Cost: $10. Running total: -$13.50.
May 8: I bought ice cream. Cost: $3.50. Running total: -$10.
May $19: I bought a round of drinks at Top O.  Cost: $6. Running total: -$4.
May 20: Erin (my sister) gave me tickets to a Brad Paisely concert. Cost: free! We went to dinner beforehand at the Loop. Cost: $9.50. Running total: $5.50.
May 23: Dinner at Imbibe, I had a gift card so it was basically free. Don’t go here for food though… 1 star.
May 31: So this one’s on me. I really wanted to go to a Green Day concert and I think the only way I could convince anyone to go with me was if I buy a ticket for Britt. Cost: $65. Running total: $70.50.

This isn’t a perfect sample size but here’s the verdict; $70.50 per month to have a girlfriend (which I think is actually one of the lightest months to date). In other words, $846 per year or $56,682 per lifetime but who’s counting.

cost benefit 2

The Texting and Waiting Game… A Statistical Analysis

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I really hope this isn’t too confusing but here’s the basic hypothesis:

If it takes you a really long time to text me back, is that going to affect how long I take before replying to your text? I’ll test this hypothesis on three (unbeknownst to them) test subjects; my girlfriend (Brittany), my sister (Erin), and a guy friend (Harrison). But let’s start with our null hypothesis…

base-case

Here’s a graph assuming the Texting and Waiting game is an exact science. In this model if it takes you 4 minutes to respond to my text, I’ll wait exactly 4 minutes before responding to your text.

britt

PSA Brittany is my girlfriend. It looks like I respond to her texts pretty quickly here no matter what… I know better than that.

erin

So this data is a little skewed because most of the texts are all clustered around (0,0). It looks like it takes Erin (my sister) a long time to respond every now and then 🙂

harry

My buddy Harrison is notoriously bad at texting… but then again it doesn’t look like I’m all that better. Notice the axes quickly jump up to 16,000 minutes aka 11 days.

In Conclusion, I don’t have a conclusive conclusion on the Texting and Waiting Game. If anything, I think the time it takes me to respond to your text depends more on our relationship than how long it took you to respond.

As always, every post ends in a poll: