This wasn’t a planned competition– It just kind of happened with my friend group, the Revolution. Here are my rankings but I need your vote at the bottom!
1. Zach, who’s about two weeks away from joining the rock bank ZZ Top.
2. Carter. “A beard trimmer? What’s that?”
3. Ryan, whose mom says she loves his facial hair.
4. Matt, who looks like he just went to Burning Man and won’t shut up about it.
5. George, who has the same amount of hair on his face and his head.
6. Thomas, who could totally join a biker gang if he wanted to. And he has a cute dog.
7. Evan, who can’t wait to start his freshman year of college.
8. Sean, whose mustache might be on a few neighborhood posters.
9. Andrew, who looks like he should be bagging groceries at Whole Foods.
**P.S. I really liked the mustaches. Unfortunately these guys were participating in a beard competition they didn’t even know about.
Over Christmas, my sister was looking for an apple pie recipe. My mom found this book, “Yummy Apple Recipes” from Erin’s first grade class. I’m no expert but some of these recipes don’t look quite right… In fact, some of these might be dangerous. Here are some of the pages from that book, ranked from “most worst” to “least worst.” I even tried making a few…
1. Erin’s Apple Pie: Ingredients: There are only three ingredients?? I’m concerned.
Instructions: Confusing… It says to “Cook it in the oven at 12”??
Is it edible? No! It tasted like scrambled eggs on top of a cooked apple.
2. Kendall’s Apple Honey Ingredients: What?? The recipe calls for “20 bumble bees”?? (I used honey instead).
Instructions: On par for a first grader… “Smoosh the apples.” Lol.
Is it edible? Yeah, it was okay. Just okay.
3. Sarah Katherine’s Apple Cookies Ingredients: These seem to be the right ingredients but the wrong amounts. It turned into a liquid mess so I made pancakes instead.
Instructions: Close, but no.
Is it edible? Somewhat. With some work, apple pancakes is a great idea.
4. Megan’s Apple Milkshake: Ingredients: Raw eggs and flour in a milkshake?? That’s a no from me dawg. Instructions: Please don’t make this at home.
Is it edible? No!
5. Colin’s Apple Cider: Ingredients: There’s more sugar than water??
Instructions: No way this would blend.
Is it edible? Maybe if you want diabetes.
6. Brooke’s Apple Ice Cream: Ingredients: The recipe calls for 3 apples and 2 gallons of sugar?? This should be called Sugar Ice Cream.
Instructions: To be brief, this isn’t how you make ice cream.
Is it edible? I wouldn’t recommend it, no.
7. Mackenzie’s Apple Popsicles
Ingredients: She wants to use frozen milk as a Popsicle base?? Instructions: Unfortunately, these Popsicles are never going to freeze in the refrigerator.
Is it edible? I guess….
8. Ryan’s Apple Men (Not me) Ingredients: Apples and pretzels.
Instructions: It’s kind of dumb… but it worked.
Is it edible? I don’t know why you would eat this, but you could.
9. Logan’s Apple Juice
Ingredients: Basic. Instructions: I’m impressed at the level of detail. Evidently, “11 minutes” is the perfect amount of time to chill your apple juice.
Is it edible? Yes!
Note these posts are all from my Twitter account but I’ve since moved everything over to my blog. Subscribe by clicking the “follow” button in the bottom right hand corner of your screen.
Spoiler Alert: The majority of these videos are from middle school when I was trying to teach myself how to play the guitar.
“We Hungry.”I probably quote Fast and Furious 2 a lot more than the average person. This clip got saved to my homepage somehow, and now whenever I need some motivation I just remember, “like I said… we hungry.”
2. “Canon Rock” by MattRach. My ninth grade history class had a “Renaissance Fair” and Justin and I were in charge of playing music at the event. Our teacher said we had to play “classical” music, so my plan was to start out with Johann Pachelbel’s “Canon in D Major”, and then turn it into an epic three minute guitar solo like the video below. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it past the 34 second mark below despite watching the video 100+ times.
3. “At Home Core Workout” by Ashley Conrad. Maybe a bit of a stretch to put this on my most watched list…
4. “Star Spangled Banner” by Jimi Hendrix. The notes itself are fairly easy to play, but I couldn’t ever match the feelings Hendrix put into the song. And for that, this guitar solo is a piece of history.
5. “Steve Vai vs Ralph Macchio Epic Guitar Battle” from the movie Crossroads. I always imagined playing this at the high school talent show, but again it never happened. Metacritic rated the movie 55/100, but this guitar battle was 100% awesome in my book.
6. “Dixie” by ogershock. Since I never mastered the guitar I thought I’d give the banjo a shot. The song is no longer “politically correct”, but I still like this version for the fast picking and bluesy tone. His mellow tone seems to acknowledges the end of an era and time to move on.
7. “You Don’t Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You’re Told)” by The White Stripes. Mainly, don’t miss the guitar solo at 3:11.
8. “Cliffs of Dover” by Eric Johnson. It started out with an obsession with Guitar Hero 3, and then moved on to the live version.
I like this post simply because I like ranking things. It brings order to the world. In previous posts, I’ve ranked roommates, Christmas Cards, and even other people named Ryan. So why not rank our friends by their most prominent trait… their name?
I asked Carter what inspired him to write this post and he said he “took a Vyvance this morning and couldn’t figure out how to use the wifi at the airport.” Makes sense to me.
Without further ado…
Who has the coolest name in The Revolution (aka our friend group)? By Carter Fields
First Place: “Ryan Clifton Kelley” A long time ago, we were arguing about what would be worst* [actual phrase redacted] name for a guy. One of my brother’s friends suggested “Clifton,” not knowing it was Ryan’s middle name. We still give Ryan a hard time about that, but I’m going to give him first place anyway since he has the rights to publish (or not publish) this article.
Second Place: “Zachary Dale Routh” I like Zach’s name because of how cool it would sound if we were introducing him on a loudspeaker before a boxing match. Go ahead and try it… “Zacharrrrrry Daleeeee Routh (Routh) (Routh)!” Oh and we also like to call him “Leroy” sometimes, which is a pretty cool name.
Third Place: “George (Geordy) Conniffe Oliver” His full name makes it sound like he fought in the Civil War. I usually just call him “Geordy,” though. So good for you for taking a boring name like George and putting your own spin on it. P.S. did you know he ran the Boston Marathon??
Fourth Place: “Sean Timothy Gartley” Sean is pretty low on the list because he has a basic white-person name. And why isn’t it pronounced “Seen”?? Nevertheless, I’m going to move him up to fourth place because his middle name comes from his dad, who hooks me up with Hurricanes tickets, and I don’t want to make him mad.
Fifth Place: “Evan Marcus Sohmer” The “Marcus” part makes me laugh. Look at the name, then at Evan, then at the name again… he doesn’t look like a Marcus. It’s a family name, though, so I’ll give him a pass. Now go rock it in your seersuckers, Marcus!
Sixth Place: “Matthew Eric Stockburger” His name sounds like the guy at the frat party who keeps coming up to you and asking “who do you know here??” Matt never kicked me out of a party, but he did move to Pennsylvania without saying bye, so sixth place.
Seventh Place: “Jeffery Thomas Fallanca”
This is the name of a man among boys. His name sounds like the lawyer I would call if I ever got in any legal trouble. Sadly, he goes by “Thomas,” instead of “Jeffrey-Thomas,” so I’m going to have to downgrade him to seventh place.
Eighth Place: “Andrew [Insert name] Martin” I honestly don’t know Andrew’s middle name. I want to say “Mark,” but that would be too alliterative. Anyways, I can’t even pronounce his last name and everyone makes fun of me for it so…eighth place for Andrew.
Ninth Place: “John Carter Fields” Carter didn’t include himself in the rankings so I (Ryan) took the liberty of giving him last place. How could I not? Carter doesn’t even like his own name enough to go by his given name, John. Or sometimes we also refer to him as “J. Carter” or colloquially, “Ja’Carta.”
Hollywood movies have gotten pretty bad recently… Bad enough that I could make better movies by just turning my dreams into movie scripts. Vote on which dream would make the best movie and I’ll send it in to Universal Studios.
P.S. Please ignore any copyright infringement… I’ll worry about that later.
Movie title: Ace Ventura: Extraterrestrial Calling Genre: Comedy Plot: I’m the world’s leading expert on talking to animals. I get an urgent, top-secret call from the government to talk to an animal… and it’s an alien! Me and the alien eventually become best friends.
Movie title: Fast and Furious: Jail Race Genre: Action, street racing. Plot: My friends and I attempted to rob a bank but got caught. I was the getaway driver and sacrificed myself so the others could get away. But before going to jail, I have one last plan to get us all off the hook. I challenge the new hot-shot district attorney to a street race. If he wins, I’ll rat on the rest of my crew. But if I win, I get to go free and he stops going after my friends. He agrees… but with a catch. I have to race in a 2002 Toyota Camry while he drives a Maserati.
Editor’s Note: It’s not the best idea but it’s definitely better than Fast and Furious 3 Tokyo Drift.
Movie Title: Ghostforce Genre: Action, comedy Plot: I’m part of an elite ghost task force in charge of protecting the living world from evil spirits. Thanks to our efforts, the living world doesn’t even know we exist (kind of like how Men in Black protect the world from aliens). However, the whole world is in danger when a dark spirit emerges to wipe out every living being on the planet. (P.S. In this universe, ghosts can’t fly, but they can run really fast and jump 30+ feet).
Movie title: Avatar, The Last Airbender meets Scooby Doo Genre: Not really sure where to put this one Plot: The evil leader of the Fire Nation has finally been captured, but he’s injured and recovering in the hospital. The Fire Nation army arrives in a helicopter, busts through the roof and pulls their leader out. Avatar is forced to call the only person who can help find the missing person… Scooby Doo. Oh and Batman comes along for backup.
Movie title: The Pirate from the Shadows Genre: Horror Plot: My sister Erin and I find out we have an evil step-brother. Because of a traumatic incident as a child at Disney World, he thinks he’s a pirate, and has been locked away for years in a mental hospital. He escapes and comes after our family for revenge, armed with a pirate ship and crew.
Movie title: Undercover Mother Genre: James Bond-esque Plot: An experienced group of criminals break into the Kelley household. I can’t figure out why they’re in our house until my mom pulls me into a secret room. In there, I find out my mom is a secret agent and is hiding top-secret information that could destroy the world if it gets in the wrong hands. Mom comes out of the panic room dual wielding blazing guns.
Movie title: Giant Squid Genre: Exclusively made for the Sci Fi channel. Plot: There’s a giant squid hiding throughout the pipes of Liz’s house. It’s so big that it’s tentacles are coming up out of the drains and starting to attack our friends. No one else believes me until several of our friends are missing, and then we have to figure out how to come together and stop the giant squid.
I’ve moved around way too much the past six years and I’ve had a lot of roommates along the way. Some are slightly better than others… and sorry in advance to my mom.
1. Zach (roommate in Chapel Hill, 2017-2018)
Pro: Zach and I completed an extensive bucket list like swimming in an old rock quarry and finding the best fried chicken in North Carolina.
Con: I lost a bet to Zach and had to sleep on the porch. This one is mostly my fault; I challenged Zach to a half-court basketball shoot-out and the loser had to sleep on the porch. I missed wide left, Zach drained it on the first try.
2. Bobby and Louis (roommates at “The Annex” in Chapel Hill, 2015-2016)
Pro: We lived next door to the fraternity house, so we got all the benefits of living in the “Animal House” but always went home when it was time to clean up.
Con: Our neighbors flushed feminine products down the drain, which somehow clogged up our toilets and bathtubs.
3. Harrison and Jon (Roommates at “Chillsborough” in Chapel Hill, 2014)
Pro: We had a secret basement.
Con: We had an annoying neighbor that would come over and wouldn’t leave despite our best hints and general lack of interest.
4. Claire, Cindy, Maria and Javier (Roommates in Madrid, 2015)
Pro: My host mother Maria made dinner every night and cleaned my room while I was at school.
Con: I had to share a bathroom with four other girls. One time I had to use the bathroom so bad I seriously considered walking to KFC.
5. Zach, Catherine, and Dan Black (the cat) (Roommates in Raleigh, 2016)
Pro: Catherine decorated for every holiday.
Con: I’m not saying me and the cat didn’t get along, we just didn’t really hang out.
6. Sam (Roommate in Chapel Hill, 2017)
Pro: Sam and I had some crazy adventures, like hitch hiking from Durham to Chapel Hill.
Con: The air conditioning went out during the hottest week of the year. It turned out to more of a pro than a con though; Sam and I pulled the TV onto the porch and slept outside with the fan on. The biggest con, though, was that we only got to live together for seven months.
7. Harrison (Roommate at Granville Dorms in Chapel Hill, 2012-2013)
Pro: Harrison is straight up funny. Somehow, he made it college without knowing how to read an analog clock or use a washing machine. During the first week of school, he forgot what number our room was and almost went to sleep in the wrong room. I’d occasionally get texts like this one: “Dude, I couldn’t find an open bathroom in the library… I almost didn’t make it.”
Con: A lot of my food went missing during the year— he eventually admitted to taking it six years later.
8. Scott, Garrett, and Hayden (Roommates at The Frat House in Chapel Hill, 2013-2014)
Pro: We lived in a fraternity house.
Con: We lived in a fraternity house. The three roommates were great but it really felt like we had 40 roommates. Our house had a strict “wash the dirty dish as you need it” policy… meaning no one did the dishes unless you needed a clean dish.
9. Steve, Laura, and Erin (“Roommates” at my childhood home in Winston-Salem, 1993-2012)
Pro: Literally everything was free. Sometimes they even gave me money.
Con: They’re the only roommates who set a curfew and wouldn’t let me watch R-rated movies.
Carter Fields is one of my best friends and for his birthday he wanted to get Comedy-Central-style roasted. So here it goes.
Let’s start by introducing Carter. He’s kind of like the Fez of our friend group. He looks like Mogley from Jungle Book and we’re not totally sure he knows how to read. One time our Spanish teacher asked Carter what he likes to do on the weekends and he said, “uhhhhh poptarts?”
He’s also not very popular with the ladies, which isn’t surprising given that most of his t-shirts have cats and lasers on them. His longest girlfriend ever dumped him… ON HIS 18TH BIRTHDAY. What kind of a savage would do that??
The only thing more broken than Carter’s love life is his wallet. In 2012, he ordered the market price steak and lobster and just about cried when the $80 check came. Moral of the story, Carter, if you have to ask… you still can’t afford it!
,
We give Carter a hard time but he’s really a good sport about it. Last year Carter lost the Revolution’s fantasy football league and we hazed him so hard. We made him dress up like a sorority girl, a ballerina, and try on a two piece swim-suit. So Carter, sorry we’re not helping with the whole ladies thing. (See the full photoshoot here).
On the plus-side, Carter is always good to have around for entertainment. In 2005, I convinced Carter to rappel out of a second story window and we got to watch him smack his head a few times on the way down. Honestly, this probably explains why he has the IQ of Crush (the turtle) from Finding Nemo.
Carter may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but he always has something smart to say about cats, otters, and (strangely enough) the Backyard Sports video game series. His expert analysis of the third topic is covered in today’s surprise bonus post, “Ryan’s Bloggy Thing: A Guest Post by Carter Fields.”
The moral of the story though is that Carter is a good guy and a great friend. One night we were at a party at Becca’s house after everyone else had left. Carter was busy cleaning the house and picking up trash when a broken bottle snagged his leg. He was bleeding so badly Becca, Zach and I put him in the bathtub. Carter gripped my hand as we poured hydrogen peroxide over the huge gash in his leg. We should have gone to the hospital… but we went to Cookout instead. Point is, Carter is always there for you when you need him and he’ll never complain about anything.
Part One of a Collaborative Series with Zach Routh
The Axis of Evil is a list of all things that stand in the way of what we as Americans hold dear. In 2002, George Bush (played by Will Ferrell on SNL) updated the Axis of Evil to include Enron, the economy, math, and Evil Kenevil (but that one’s a no brainer).
It’s 2018 now and the Axis of Evil needed updating. You can think of it like a basketball game and all the worst players are on one team called the “Axis of Evil”. And here’s their starting lineup:
Water Chestnuts
Want to ruin a meal? Stick a few water chestnuts in it.
Duke Power
Duke Power sucks. Their customer service sucks. Their website is a dumpster fire. They hate the environment. They get away with murder. They’re a bunch of mouth breathers.
When pizza burns the top of your mouth
Is it worth it? Probably. Should I be more patient and let it cool? Probably.
The NCAA
I love college sports, I hate the NCAA. They can’t make or enforce rules with any sort of rationality. As a “non-profit”, they steal billions of dollars from student-athletes and are rarely accountable for any sort of wrongdoing. Boo Mark Emmert, Boo.
Mayonnaise
Only psychopaths order extra mayo. **Some exceptions made for Chipotle Mayo and well-made chicken salad, pimento cheese, etc.**
The phrase “Same Difference”
If you replace the phrase “same thing” with the phrase “same difference” you are the worst. It doesn’t make any sense and in the end you’re likening two things instead of differentiating them. STOP THIS MADNESS.
Bread Ends Sandwich
This is the worst thing since sliced bread. Bread ends sandwich? That’s a no for me dawg.
When you bend down and your water bottle falls out of your backpack
And as soon as you bend down to pick up the water bottle something else falls, creating an endless cycle. The struggle is real folks.
Headphones jerking out of your ears
This mostly happens when I’m on a treadmill, causing alarm and overall disorientation. The bluetooth headphones almost sell themselves.
![mvimg_20180117_172327[1]](https://thebigrinryan.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/mvimg_20180117_1723271.jpg?w=225&h=300)
![img_0996.2012-08-14_235336[1]](https://thebigrinryan.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/img_0996.2012-08-14_2353361.jpg?w=225&h=300)
![img_1120.2012-09-23_180754[1]](https://thebigrinryan.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/img_1120.2012-09-23_1807541.jpg?w=1040)
![img_0891[1]](https://thebigrinryan.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/img_08911.jpg?w=300&h=225)
The big "R" in Ryan 