Every party needs two things; a good theme, and good food.
Over Thanksgiving, my friends combined both elements into one event dubbed the “The Revolution Taste Test Challenge.” Each person brought three different varieties, brands, or flavors of a certain food or drink, and we spent the party taste testing each food and trying to determine which one was which. Here are the winners, along with few takeaways that may help you out on your next shopping trip.
Winners:
1st Place: Jacob
Jacob led the pack with 20 correct picks. And he gets major props for winning the tiebreaker (which we later found out wasn’t necessary due to an incorrect tally). We gave both Jacob and Andrew two cups and had them guess which one was Smirnoff Ice and which one was Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Only Jacob was wise enough to know that both were Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
2nd Place: Andrew.
Andrew came in second with 19 correct picks, but the crazy thing is that he left three categories (representing 10 potential points) completely blank because he was too busy entertaining others. Of the 25 guesses that he actually made, he got 76% of them right, which is insane compared to the group average of 42% (and Jacob’s first place score of 57%). Note Jacob and Andrew both got five categories perfect.
3rd Place: George
George got 16 of 32 picks right (50%), and got four perfect categories.
Hot Takes and Lessons Learned:
100% of people know that Poppi is different from Coke and Pepsi, but only 9 out of 13 people (69%) could differentiate between Coke and Pepsi.
Only 3 out of 11 people recognized Halo Top (the healthy ice cream) compared to its full sugar counterparts. So you might as well get the healthier Halo Top ice cream.
100% of people confused Barbecue Wings with Honey Barbecue wings. I’m thinking George and Maggie mixed up the labels…
Six of 12 participants (50%) thought the instant mashed potatoes were homemade. My recommendation– don’t waste your time making homemade mashed potatoes.
Seven out of 10 people (70%) can correctly identify a bottom shelf glass of wine. However, the difference between a mid and upper-mid shelf bottle of wine is harder to distinguish. So next time you’re at the store, go with your gut and buy the second cheapest bottle of wine.
11 out of 12 people correctly identified homemade guacamole. It’s just different, and in my opinion, probably worth the extra time.
Zach’s mom makes a really awesome Moravian Sugar Cake.
For cookies and mac and cheese, buying the store brand is probably just fine. Only 3 out of 11 people (27%) could correctly identify Harris Teeter cookie dough, and only 3 out of 13 people (23%) could correctly identify store brand Mac and Cheese. Those odds are even worse than a true guess (33%).
That being said, it may be worth buying brand name mozzarella sticks. Five out of 13 participants (38%) correctly identified the store brand mozzarella sticks, which is just better than guessing. This doesn’t mean that the store brand mozzarella sticks necessarily are worse (or better) than the brand names, but the data suggests they may be just slightly different enough to notice.
Are you a water snob? Most people can’t tell the difference. Only our top two testers (Andrew and Jacob) got all three water picks correct. And while Dasani gets a lot of hate, only 4 out of 13 participants could pick it out of a crowd of premium brands. For the most part, water is water.
75% of participants could correctly identify Gouda, but 42% confused Cheddar with Monterrey Jack. It’s important to know how to lay out a cheese board, but it’s also okay to use a little creativity/flexibility.
The best way to enjoy a Smirnoff Ice is by making your friends drink it (ideally when they least expect it). After much deliberation, I’m excited to announce the Top 10 Ices Of all Time.
1. George takes a shower
By this point in time, George should have known there was an Ice waiting for him in the bathroom at his bachelor party. I just skewed the odds by putting an Ice in all of the towels… just in case.
2. Sean tries “working from home” at Zach’s bachelor party
This man deserves a raise for trying to get work done while everyone else was playing beer pong. But little did he know there was a full bottle of Smirnoff Ice sitting inside his water bottle, with the straw perched inside the bottle.
3. George’s formal dinnerware
George is probably my favorite person to Ice because he’s a good sport about it. The scenario below played out at Evan’s wedding– Carter and I slipped into the venue before the wedding started and tucked an Ice into George’s napkin when he sat down.
4. The “Ice” cold birthday cake
With how many Ices I give out, I’m well aware that there’s a huge target on my back. I just didn’t see this one coming. I thought it was a little odd when Carol and Kayla insisted that I cut my own birthday cake, and for good reason… there was an Ice baked right into the cake.
5. Ryan claims his spot as “The Winner of The Losers”
In our fantasy football league, you have to Ice yourself if you score the least amount of points in any given week. Here’s a recap of last year’s Ices– check out the full blog post here.
6. Carter goes 4 for 4 in the Revolution Blind Taste Test
There are somewhere between 18 and 24 unique flavor of Smirnoff Ice. Our group has probably kept Smirnoff in business over the past 10 years, yet somehow only Carter could correctly identify all of the flavors in this variety pack.
7. The Gift of Giving
If you receive a Christmas present from someone in the Revolution, be wary— chances are it’s an Ice waiting to happen.
8. The Easter Beer Hunt
I think Carter actually likes Smirnoff Ice– In fact he’ll often go out of his way to find them. For Easter, George hides beers in his yard instead of Easter Eggs (spoiler alert: there are always Ices mixed in). Several people but pretend not to see the Ices… but not Carter.
9. The wedding party assembles
Most people give their friends a gift when asking them to be in their wedding party… These guys all got Ices.
10. Revenge served “Ice” cold
Ugh someone (I think it was Bobby?) got me at my own wedding. I had brought a 12 pack so I could strategically plant some Ices throughout the day but it mysteriously disappeared at some point during the day. Several hours later I go up to the bar to find out everyone else (including the bartender) was in on it.
Honorable Mention: The Long Game
Sometimes the best Ices require delayed gratification. Carol dodged Ices all night but ended up finding a sugary beverage to go with breakfast.
Bonus Content: Andrew shotguns a Fresca
We must’ve run out of Ices this day but Andrew is a legend for taking down a Fresca this quickly.
The rules of our Fantasy Football Football league are pretty simple: if your team scores the least amount of points across the entire league for the week, you have to chug a Smirnoff Ice and send video proof to the group.
There are 10 teams in the league but only four of us have had the (dis)honor of being the biggest loser of the week. But of these losers, who’s the winner with the fastest chug?
Video replay confirms that yours truly is the undisputed winner of the losers, sweeping first, second, and third place. Props to Carter though for stepping up with a massive 24 oz. Smirnoff Ice—double the size of everyone else’s—and taking it down like a champ (featured in the top left and top middle-right squares of the video). Zach snagged 5th, 6th, and 7th place, earning a few brownie points for the unique backdrops in his videos. Will, in his rookie season, faced a tough initiation with subpar performances both on and off the field.
Welcome to the big leagues, where even the losers can be winners—if they can chug fast enough.
I’m in an exclusive small group that trades marginally politically incorrect memes that you probably wouldn’t want your grandmother to see. The group, aptly named “send memes,” has some of my best friends, some of my friends’ friends, and even a few celebrities like Dwayne the Rock Johnson (who was added against his will and never actually opened the chat). By now you probably already know I like to rank things, so let’s dive in. Who’s the best at finding and sharing memes?
The results were measured by looking at every meme posted in the group over the past three years and keeping track of which posts got the most “likes,” and who sent them. There’s probably over 5,000 memes in the chat but the “best of the best” memes all have at least six “likes” from the group, and usually involve satire, poking fun at PC culture, an irreverent twist on current events, or strangely, The Lord of the Rings. So here are the winners and losers, ranked by the number of memes submitted with 6+ “likes.” I’ve also included a sampling of each person’s top memes.
Ryan, Jimmy, and Wes were neck and neck heading into the fourth quarter but Ryan ultimately pulled away with the most consistent (meme) running game
1st Place: Ryan
With eight memes on the leaderboard, Ryan was the clear choice for the winner by volume. His posts generate widespread acclaim for mocking the absurdities of modern life; specializing in pop culture and office humor. Ryan is your bread and butter RB1.
A close second, Jimmy puts up powerful memes that bring back some serious childhood memories like binge watching Lord of the Rings, playing Pokemon Yellow until 4am, and fighting with your friends over the Halo controller. This friendly rivalry could turn into an all out fist fight come playoff season.
Wes is a serious contender, having shared the most popular meme ever in the group shown below. I don’t totally understand it but I guess everyone else does. Regardless, Wes’ has an undisputed monopoly on timely and spicy memes on current events.
Luke is a dark horse candidate that could blast into the top 3 on a moment’s notice. He can take any scenario and spin it in a completely different direction with his sinister humor.
Thomas is the group wildcard. He excels in finding obscure accounts and going straight for the shock factor. Some of his posts don’t always land but when they do, they’re big.
I expected a better performance out of Sean since he largely brought this group together. He’ll sneak in with some fire memes but we really need to see more from him.
Addison has strong potential based on his quick trigger for being the first person in your contact list to share viral memes. He’s down on the list but don’t count him out.
Jeff deserves to keep his starting position but we’d keep him near the bottom of the batting order. Even so, he’ll impress you with you his brashness and absurdity. Daniel Radcliffe rapping? Classic.
Back in the day Zach was a mean linebacker for our high school football team. Nowadays he’s the king of dad jokes and often reminisces about we would’ve been state champions if coach had put him in in the fourth quarter. Is Zach a “has been” or is he just getting starting with his new career in the meme game? I’m thinking its the latter.
Tied for 8th place: Eric
Covid-19 led to some of best memes of our generation. However these memes became a dime a dozen as Covid dragged on. We’ll have to wait and see if Eric can tread water in the new meme environment.
These guys have never even had the courage to dream about standing on the winner’s podium. They’d rather fake a tummy ache than go up to bat with the game on the line. In fact, over three years and thousands of at bats, they’ve never even gotten on base. Their memes are old, tired, or non-existent.
And now, 60 days later, I’m exhausted. Brittany and I have seen 11 movies (in theater) over the past two months. After learning that movie tickets can now cost up to $20.41 (no joke), we signed up for the AMC “A list,” a subscription service where you can see up to three movies per week for a monthly fee of $21.50. Our mission, which we chose to accept, was to see as many movies as possible to get our monies’ worth out of the subscription service. With the period coming to an end, I wanted to answer three key questions about movie reviewers:
1. What’s the difference between the different rating sources?
User Based Reviews:
IMDb scores are based on a weighted-average rating of all registered users (meaning everyday people). This is supposed to give you a good idea of what normal consumers think of the movie. However not all votes carry the same weight, which was designed to prevent individuals (or groups) from rigging the rating. IMDb says they don’t disclose that calculation “to ensure [their] rating mechanism remains effective.” Like many other user-based review sites, the biggest pitfall is that most people only submit a review when they have very strong positive or negative feelings about a movie, which skews the ratings in favor of either enthusiastic supporters or strong critics.
Audience Score, by Rotten Tomatoes, is similar to IMDb in that it represents the percentage of everyday users who rated a movie or TV show positively. There isn’t much information available on how the final score is tallied or if there are any weightings. Regardless, similar to IMDb, this score is susceptible to review bombing or inflated ratings by franchise cults.
Brittany’s Ratings. Brittany is my most trusted movie companion to see all these movies. Not only do we share similar tastes, but we get to experience these movies together, which whether we admit or not, does matter. For example, the theater was freezing cold during Haunted Mansion which literally created a chilling atmosphere. Or during The Equalizer 3, the projector was out of focus for the first 45 minutes of the film, leaving us both annoyed.
Critic-based Reviews:
The Tomatometer, by Rotten Tomatoes, is a score based on the opinions of hundreds of film and television critics. It gives a quick and reliable idea of whether a movie is worth watching. However, the biggest issue with the Tomatometer is that it breaks down complex opinions into a “Yes” or “No” score, and takes the simple average. So if every critic scored a movie 2.5 of out of 4 stars, the Tomatometer would consider all of those positive reviews and give the film a 100% rating, whereas a simple average would give the movie 62.5/100.
Metacritic collects reviews from a broad range of critics and aggregates them into one “metascore.” The individual scores are averaged but somehow weighted according to a critic’s popularity, stature, and volume of reviews through a secret process. Several people still consider this the most balanced aggregate score.
Using the 11 movies Brittany and I saw over the past 60 days, we can pull out the following takeaways:
A. User-based review sites seem more likely to be impacted by manipulation.
Compared to a professional movie critic, individual user ratings from IMDb and “Audience Score” seem more likely (or easier) to be influenced by hype, controversy, or organized efforts to flood a score with either overly positive or negative reviews to manipulate the score.
For example, the “Audience Score” seems particularly unreliable. It gave “Haunted Mansion” an 8.4/10, a surprisingly high rating compared to Metacritic (4.7), the Tomatometer (3.8), and my own rating (5). The film was notoriously a box office flop, only grossing $24M at the box office during opening weekend. Could Disney have paid or influenced users to leave positive reviews on the “Audience Score” to artificially inflate the movie’s score?
B. Weighted averages tend to lead to lower average scores.
IMDb and Metacritc both openly state that their scores are subject to some sort of behind-the-scenes weighting formula, whereas the Tomatometer is based on a simple average. The “Audience Score” doesn’t say whether it’s weighted or not, so I’ll assume it’s a simple average.
The average rating was 7.28 for IMDb and 6.66 for Metacritic; both lower than the simple averages taken from Tomatometer (7.68) and “Audience Score” (8.45). This could be because the former sites exclude (or dilute) outliers and suspicious reviews like we saw with “Haunted Mansion” in section A. This also may help explain why user-based scores for IMDB and “Audience Score” are so different; because of weighted averages.
C. Critics often rate movies lower than everyday movie goers.
Critics and audience members often have different criteria for evaluating films. For example, critics often consider cinematography, artistic value, and other technical aspects. Audience members, on the other hand, may be more influenced by sampling basis (i.e. only going to movies they’re likely to enjoy and rate highly), herd mentality (i.e. if Brittany likes a movie I’m inclined to agree with her), or the entertainment factor (i.e. the number of explosions).
This discrepancy was most apparent for “Gran Turismo.” Metacritic’s score of 4.8 was significantly lower than the user based reviews from the “Audience Score” (9.8) and IMDb (7.4). Brittany and I also rated the movie high at 9.3 and 9.5 respectively. On the other end of the spectrum, Metacritic rated the artistic film “Asteroid City” at 7.4, higher than IMDb (6.7) and the “Audience Score” (6.2).
3. Which rating service most closely aligns with my own ratings?
My own ratings most closely align with the Tomatometer, however, I don’t think the Tomatometer tells the entire story by itself. I’d look to IMDb first given that A. My personal rating is more likely to align with other audience members (rather than critics) and B. IMDb appears to do a good job of sorting out outliers and manipulation.
To wrap it all up:
Ratings don’t always make sense. They can be good guides, but the magic of the cinema is largely rooted in your own personal taste and connection to the film. My favorite part of the movie-going experience has been the excitement of being in a sold out theater on opening night, always having something to talk about around the office water cooler, and having a weekly date with Brittany.
Artificial intelligence could soon put my blog out of business. But before throwing in the towel, who’s posts do you like more? To find out, I took some of my old posts and asked ChatGPT to answer the same topics.
1. What was the coolest cell phone in the early 2000’s?
Ryan:
The Samsung Juke. It doubles as an mp3 player, fits in your pocket, and the clock is reasonably accurate. The only con is that I’m not sure if it can actually make a phone call or not.
ChatGPT:
The Nokia 3310. With its physical buttons that required a Herculean effort to press, texting on the Nokia 3310 was like playing a high-stakes game of finger gymnastics. If you mastered the art of texting on this phone, you were considered a modern-day Shakespeare.
The George Foreman Grill, as presented by Evan and voted on by the Revolution
ChatGPT:
The Washing Machine.
It’s a marvel of modern technology, freeing us from the ancient burden of hand-washing clothes. It’s like having a magical vortex that devours your dirty laundry and spits out fresh, clean garments. But beware of the treacherous sock-eating monster that lurks within.
Colin’s Apple Cider, from my sister’s 1st grade class cookbook. Note this recipe has more sugar than water, and one of the ingredients is “one bowl.” Some of the other recipes in the cookbook included bizarre ingredients like 20 bumble bees??, raw eggs and flour (yuck!), and then nonsensical instructions like “cook at 12 for 11.”
ChatGPT:
Apple Explosion Delight:
Take peeled apples and give them a nice roll in glitter. Make sure they sparkle like magical disco balls. It’s all about that glitz and glamour in our recipe.
In a large bowl, combine the toothpaste and ketchup. Stir it up until it becomes a sticky, colorful mess. This is our top-secret sauce that will bring all the flavors together. Or maybe not.
5. Name something useful you learned from your dad
Ryan:
With boats, don’t ask how much it’s going to cost. You don’t want to know. Just do it.
ChatGPT:
Having a secret stash of snacks strategically hidden throughout the house ensures a constant supply of deliciousness. Whether it’s a bag of chips behind the sofa or cookies in the bathroom cabinet, be prepared for any snacking emergency.
6. Can you turn your craziest dream into a movie idea?
Ryan:
Movie Title: The Pirate from the Shadows
Plot: My sister Erin and I find out we have an evil step-brother. Because of a traumatic incident as a child at Disney World, he thinks he’s a pirate, and has been locked away for years in a mental hospital. He escapes and comes after our family for revenge, armed with a pirate ship and crew.
ChatGPT:
Movie Title: Chronicles of the Quantum Dreamers
Plot: In a world where dreams come alive and reality bends to the whims of the subconscious, a quirky group of individuals discover they possess the ability to control their dreams and enter a shared dream realm called the “Quantum Dream.”
Our protagonist, Max, a socially awkward math genius, finds himself trapped in a perpetual dream loop where he’s chased by a horde of rubber duckies armed with laser guns. Desperate to escape this nightmarish cycle, he stumbles upon an underground society of Dreamers, led by the enigmatic Dr. Lucidia.
Dr. Lucidia reveals that the Quantum Dream is under threat from an evil dream villain known as the Nightmare King, whose malevolent presence is infecting dreams with fear and chaos. Max, along with a colorful crew of fellow Dreamers, including a retired circus performer who controls dreams through juggling and a talking cat with a knack for riddles, embarks on a mind-bending quest to stop the Nightmare King and restore balance to the dream realm.
The only thing more broken than Carter’s love life is his wallet. As a broke high school student in 2012, he ordered the market price steak and lobster, and just about cried when the $80 check came. Moral of the story, Carter, if you have to ask… you still can’t afford it!
ChatGPT:
Carter, you’re like our very own Fez from That ’70s Show. I mean, with that wild hair and those big, innocent eyes, it’s like you were plucked straight out of the Jungle Book. And let’s be real here, we’re not entirely convinced you know how to read. Remember that time in Spanish class when the teacher asked about your weekend plans, and all you could muster up was “uhhhhh poptarts?” Yeah, Carter, we’ve got our doubts.
8. How much does it cost to have a girlfriend per month?
Ryan:
Grand Total: $70.50
May 1: Britt bought ice cream for both of us. Running total: -$3.50. May 4: Britt bought me a cocktail at Calavera. Running total: -$13.50. May 8: I bought ice cream. Running total: -$10. May $19: I bought a round of drinks at Top O. Running total: -$4. May 20: Erin (my sister) gave me tickets to a Brad Paisely concert. Cost: free! We went to dinner beforehand at the Loop. Running total: $5.50. May 23: Dinner at Imbibe, I had a gift card so it was basically free. Don’t go here for food though… 1 star. May 31: So this one’s on me. I really wanted to go to a Green Day concert and I think the only way I could convince anyone to go with me was if I buy a ticket for Britt. Running total: $70.50.
ChatGPT:
Grad Total: $220
Gift expenses: $50 – Because nothing says “I love you” like a bouquet of half-price gas station flowers and a last-minute, on-sale box of chocolates. Romance on a budget, folks!
Date nights: $100 – We’re talking about those fancy candlelit dinners at the finest fast-food establishments, complete with the extra-value meal and a shared soda. Classy, yet cost-effective.
Movie outings: $40 – Catching the latest blockbuster movies on discount Tuesdays, armed with a smuggled-in bag of stale popcorn and a pocketful of expired coupons.
Miscellaneous surprises: $30 – This includes those spontaneous moments of chivalry, like buying her a dollar store trinket or surprise serenading her with a kazoo rendition of her favorite song.
Emotional support: Priceless – Because being there for each other during good times, bad times, and the “I can’t decide what to wear” times is invaluable. Cue the sentimental music.
My friends and I can’t argue about sports, so we had to get a little bit creative. What’s the best household appliance? Read our arguments and cast your vote below.
1. George Foreman Grill, as presented by Evan.
Tap inside the slideshow to go to the next slide.
2. Bidet, as presented by Becca.
3. Wine opener, as presented by Liz
4. Washing Machine, as presented by Ryan.
What else are you going to do? Wash your clothes in a polluted river? Get mugged at a sketchy laundromat?
5. Old School Beer Fridge, as presented by George.
Capacity: 48 frosty bois and 12 diet cokes.
Reliable workhorse, will always come through for you.
Retail value: $40, but you can probably negotiate it down to $20.
6. Coffee Maker, as presented by Carter.
What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Think about coffee. It’s always there for you to get your day going.
7. Air Fryer, as presented by Zach.
Tap inside the slideshow to advance it. You don’t want to miss Zach’s animations.
Over Christmas, my sister was looking for an apple pie recipe. My mom found this book, “Yummy Apple Recipes” from Erin’s first grade class. I’m no expert but some of these recipes don’t look quite right… In fact, some of these might be dangerous. Here are some of the pages from that book, ranked from “most worst” to “least worst.” I even tried making a few…
1. Erin’s Apple Pie: Ingredients: There are only three ingredients?? I’m concerned.
Instructions: Confusing… It says to “Cook it in the oven at 12”??
Is it edible? No! It tasted like scrambled eggs on top of a cooked apple.
2. Kendall’s Apple Honey Ingredients: What?? The recipe calls for “20 bumble bees”?? (I used honey instead).
Instructions: On par for a first grader… “Smoosh the apples.” Lol.
Is it edible? Yeah, it was okay. Just okay.
3. Sarah Katherine’s Apple Cookies Ingredients: These seem to be the right ingredients but the wrong amounts. It turned into a liquid mess so I made pancakes instead.
Instructions: Close, but no.
Is it edible? Somewhat. With some work, apple pancakes is a great idea.
4. Megan’s Apple Milkshake: Ingredients: Raw eggs and flour in a milkshake?? That’s a no from me dawg. Instructions: Please don’t make this at home.
Is it edible? No!
5. Colin’s Apple Cider: Ingredients: There’s more sugar than water??
Instructions: No way this would blend.
Is it edible? Maybe if you want diabetes.
6. Brooke’s Apple Ice Cream: Ingredients: The recipe calls for 3 apples and 2 gallons of sugar?? This should be called Sugar Ice Cream.
Instructions: To be brief, this isn’t how you make ice cream.
Is it edible? I wouldn’t recommend it, no.
7. Mackenzie’s Apple Popsicles
Ingredients: She wants to use frozen milk as a Popsicle base?? Instructions: Unfortunately, these Popsicles are never going to freeze in the refrigerator.
Is it edible? I guess….
8. Ryan’s Apple Men (Not me) Ingredients: Apples and pretzels.
Instructions: It’s kind of dumb… but it worked.
Is it edible? I don’t know why you would eat this, but you could.
9. Logan’s Apple Juice
Ingredients: Basic. Instructions: I’m impressed at the level of detail. Evidently, “11 minutes” is the perfect amount of time to chill your apple juice.
Is it edible? Yes!
Note these posts are all from my Twitter account but I’ve since moved everything over to my blog. Subscribe by clicking the “follow” button in the bottom right hand corner of your screen.
I like this post simply because I like ranking things. It brings order to the world. In previous posts, I’ve ranked roommates, Christmas Cards, and even other people named Ryan. So why not rank our friends by their most prominent trait… their name?
I asked Carter what inspired him to write this post and he said he “took a Vyvance this morning and couldn’t figure out how to use the wifi at the airport.” Makes sense to me.
Without further ado…
Who has the coolest name in The Revolution (aka our friend group)? By Carter Fields
First Place: “Ryan Clifton Kelley” A long time ago, we were arguing about what would be worst* [actual phrase redacted] name for a guy. One of my brother’s friends suggested “Clifton,” not knowing it was Ryan’s middle name. We still give Ryan a hard time about that, but I’m going to give him first place anyway since he has the rights to publish (or not publish) this article.
Second Place: “Zachary Dale Routh” I like Zach’s name because of how cool it would sound if we were introducing him on a loudspeaker before a boxing match. Go ahead and try it… “Zacharrrrrry Daleeeee Routh (Routh) (Routh)!” Oh and we also like to call him “Leroy” sometimes, which is a pretty cool name.
Third Place: “George (Geordy) Conniffe Oliver” His full name makes it sound like he fought in the Civil War. I usually just call him “Geordy,” though. So good for you for taking a boring name like George and putting your own spin on it. P.S. did you know he ran the Boston Marathon??
Fourth Place: “Sean Timothy Gartley” Sean is pretty low on the list because he has a basic white-person name. And why isn’t it pronounced “Seen”?? Nevertheless, I’m going to move him up to fourth place because his middle name comes from his dad, who hooks me up with Hurricanes tickets, and I don’t want to make him mad.
Fifth Place: “Evan Marcus Sohmer” The “Marcus” part makes me laugh. Look at the name, then at Evan, then at the name again… he doesn’t look like a Marcus. It’s a family name, though, so I’ll give him a pass. Now go rock it in your seersuckers, Marcus!
Sixth Place: “Matthew Eric Stockburger” His name sounds like the guy at the frat party who keeps coming up to you and asking “who do you know here??” Matt never kicked me out of a party, but he did move to Pennsylvania without saying bye, so sixth place.
Seventh Place: “Jeffery Thomas Fallanca”
This is the name of a man among boys. His name sounds like the lawyer I would call if I ever got in any legal trouble. Sadly, he goes by “Thomas,” instead of “Jeffrey-Thomas,” so I’m going to have to downgrade him to seventh place.
Eighth Place: “Andrew [Insert name] Martin” I honestly don’t know Andrew’s middle name. I want to say “Mark,” but that would be too alliterative. Anyways, I can’t even pronounce his last name and everyone makes fun of me for it so…eighth place for Andrew.
Ninth Place: “John Carter Fields” Carter didn’t include himself in the rankings so I (Ryan) took the liberty of giving him last place. How could I not? Carter doesn’t even like his own name enough to go by his given name, John. Or sometimes we also refer to him as “J. Carter” or colloquially, “Ja’Carta.”
The big "R" in Ryan 