A few highlights about Laura:
But really the coolest thing about my mom is her unique ability to connect with people. She knows how to have a full conversation with a toddler, what to write in a birthday card, and how to treat all people with respect. And she NEVER lets any of my blog posts go without a comment. Happy Mother’s Day.
My friends and I can’t argue about sports, so we had to get a little bit creative. What’s the best household appliance? Read our arguments and cast your vote below.
This wasn’t a planned competition– It just kind of happened with my friend group, the Revolution. Here are my rankings but I need your vote at the bottom!
Over Christmas, my sister was looking for an apple pie recipe. My mom found this book, “Yummy Apple Recipes” from Erin’s first grade class. I’m no expert but some of these recipes don’t look quite right… In fact, some of these might be dangerous. Here are some of the pages from that book, ranked from “most worst” to “least worst.” I even tried making a few…
1. Erin’s Apple Pie:
Ingredients: There are only three ingredients?? I’m concerned.
Instructions: Confusing… It says to “Cook it in the oven at 12”??
Is it edible? No! It tasted like scrambled eggs on top of a cooked apple.
2. Kendall’s Apple Honey
Ingredients: What?? The recipe calls for “20 bumble bees”?? (I used honey instead).
Instructions: On par for a first grader… “Smoosh the apples.” Lol.
Is it edible? Yeah, it was okay. Just okay.
3. Sarah Katherine’s Apple Cookies
Ingredients: These seem to be the right ingredients but the wrong amounts. It turned into a liquid mess so I made pancakes instead.
Instructions: Close, but no.
Is it edible? Somewhat. With some work, apple pancakes is a great idea.
4. Megan’s Apple Milkshake:
Ingredients: Raw eggs and flour in a milkshake?? That’s a no from me dawg.
Instructions: Please don’t make this at home.
Is it edible? No!
5. Colin’s Apple Cider:
Ingredients: There’s more sugar than water??
Instructions: No way this would blend.
Is it edible? Maybe if you want diabetes.
6. Brooke’s Apple Ice Cream:
Ingredients: The recipe calls for 3 apples and 2 gallons of sugar?? This should be called Sugar Ice Cream.
Instructions: To be brief, this isn’t how you make ice cream.
Is it edible? I wouldn’t recommend it, no.
7. Mackenzie’s Apple Popsicles
Ingredients: She wants to use frozen milk as a Popsicle base??
Instructions: Unfortunately, these Popsicles are never going to freeze in the refrigerator.
Is it edible? I guess….
8. Ryan’s Apple Men (Not me)
Ingredients: Apples and pretzels.
Instructions: It’s kind of dumb… but it worked.
Is it edible? I don’t know why you would eat this, but you could.
9. Logan’s Apple Juice
Ingredients: Basic.
Instructions: I’m impressed at the level of detail. Evidently, “11 minutes” is the perfect amount of time to chill your apple juice.
Is it edible? Yes!
Check out my other cooking related blog posts:
How to Food: The One Where Ryan Learns How to Cook and Can Teach You Too
Less than Four and Under 20: Ryan Learns How to Cook and So Can You! (Part 2)
Here are some of the many benefits…
1. Public Safety Announcements
2. Arts and Culture
3. Inexpensive Vacation Ideas
4. Recipes and Grilling Tips
5. Hot New Restaurant Recommendations
6. Live Weather Updates
7. Negotiation Tactics That Really Work!
8. Questionable Legal Advice
9. Awkward Pictures From My Middle School Years
10. Shopping Tips
Note these posts are all from my Twitter account but I’ve since moved everything over to my blog. Subscribe by clicking the “follow” button in the bottom right hand corner of your screen.
Spoiler Alert: The majority of these videos are from middle school when I was trying to teach myself how to play the guitar.
2. “Canon Rock” by MattRach. My ninth grade history class had a “Renaissance Fair” and Justin and I were in charge of playing music at the event. Our teacher said we had to play “classical” music, so my plan was to start out with Johann Pachelbel’s “Canon in D Major”, and then turn it into an epic three minute guitar solo like the video below. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it past the 34 second mark below despite watching the video 100+ times.
3. “At Home Core Workout” by Ashley Conrad. Maybe a bit of a stretch to put this on my most watched list…
4. “Star Spangled Banner” by Jimi Hendrix. The notes itself are fairly easy to play, but I couldn’t ever match the feelings Hendrix put into the song. And for that, this guitar solo is a piece of history.
5. “Steve Vai vs Ralph Macchio Epic Guitar Battle” from the movie Crossroads. I always imagined playing this at the high school talent show, but again it never happened. Metacritic rated the movie 55/100, but this guitar battle was 100% awesome in my book.
6. “Dixie” by ogershock. Since I never mastered the guitar I thought I’d give the banjo a shot. The song is no longer “politically correct”, but I still like this version for the fast picking and bluesy tone. His mellow tone seems to acknowledges the end of an era and time to move on.
7. “You Don’t Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You’re Told)” by The White Stripes. Mainly, don’t miss the guitar solo at 3:11.
8. “Cliffs of Dover” by Eric Johnson. It started out with an obsession with Guitar Hero 3, and then moved on to the live version.
Introduction from the editor
Carter Fields is a regular contributor to “TheBigRinRyan.” You may remember him from previous posts like “The Roast of Cater Fields,” or “12 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Suck at Fantasy Football.”
I like this post simply because I like ranking things. It brings order to the world. In previous posts, I’ve ranked roommates, Christmas Cards, and even other people named Ryan. So why not rank our friends by their most prominent trait… their name?
I asked Carter what inspired him to write this post and he said he “took a Vyvance this morning and couldn’t figure out how to use the wifi at the airport.” Makes sense to me.
Without further ado…
Who has the coolest name in The Revolution (aka our friend group)? By Carter Fields
First Place: “Ryan Clifton Kelley”
A long time ago, we were arguing about what would be worst* [actual phrase redacted] name for a guy. One of my brother’s friends suggested “Clifton,” not knowing it was Ryan’s middle name. We still give Ryan a hard time about that, but I’m going to give him first place anyway since he has the rights to publish (or not publish) this article.
Second Place: “Zachary Dale Routh”
I like Zach’s name because of how cool it would sound if we were introducing him on a loudspeaker before a boxing match. Go ahead and try it… “Zacharrrrrry Daleeeee Routh (Routh) (Routh)!” Oh and we also like to call him “Leroy” sometimes, which is a pretty cool name.
Third Place: “George (Geordy) Conniffe Oliver”
His full name makes it sound like he fought in the Civil War. I usually just call him “Geordy,” though. So good for you for taking a boring name like George and putting your own spin on it. P.S. did you know he ran the Boston Marathon??
Fourth Place: “Sean Timothy Gartley”
Sean is pretty low on the list because he has a basic white-person name. And why isn’t it pronounced “Seen”?? Nevertheless, I’m going to move him up to fourth place because his middle name comes from his dad, who hooks me up with Hurricanes tickets, and I don’t want to make him mad.
Fifth Place: “Evan Marcus Sohmer”
The “Marcus” part makes me laugh. Look at the name, then at Evan, then at the name again… he doesn’t look like a Marcus. It’s a family name, though, so I’ll give him a pass. Now go rock it in your seersuckers, Marcus!
Sixth Place: “Matthew Eric Stockburger”
His name sounds like the guy at the frat party who keeps coming up to you and asking “who do you know here??” Matt never kicked me out of a party, but he did move to Pennsylvania without saying bye, so sixth place.
Seventh Place: “Jeffery Thomas Fallanca”
This is the name of a man among boys. His name sounds like the lawyer I would call if I ever got in any legal trouble. Sadly, he goes by “Thomas,” instead of “Jeffrey-Thomas,” so I’m going to have to downgrade him to seventh place.
Eighth Place: “Andrew [Insert name] Martin”
I honestly don’t know Andrew’s middle name. I want to say “Mark,” but that would be too alliterative. Anyways, I can’t even pronounce his last name and everyone makes fun of me for it so…eighth place for Andrew.
Ninth Place: “John Carter Fields”
Carter didn’t include himself in the rankings so I (Ryan) took the liberty of giving him last place. How could I not? Carter doesn’t even like his own name enough to go by his given name, John. Or sometimes we also refer to him as “J. Carter” or colloquially, “Ja’Carta.”
These aren’t just things he says, these are things he does.
With boats, don’t ask how much it’s going to cost
You don’t want to know. Just do it.
Always stay “in the park”
Whether it’s Disney Land or the Grand Canyon, you want to be where the action is.
Don’t sit around in your pajamas all morning
As soon as you wake up, make the bed, brush your teeth, and put on your clothes for the day.
How to make the perfect omelet
The secret is creativity. My favorites so far are a lasagna-omelet combination, and an omelet with Smithfields barbeque.
Leave it better than you found it
Always leave the kitchen a little bit cleaner, or the campsite a little better off. It works for just about anything.
Attitude is a choice
My dad and Bryan (Erin’s fiancé) went deep-sea fishing, and had “a perfect day and a great time.” Later on, we learned that it was a really rough day at sea and lots of people got sea-sick. But my dad never complained. He never even brought it up. He kept a positive attitude.
How to Serve
I graduated from Troop 934 in 2012, but my dad stuck with it. He’s mentored dozens of Scouts and even serves on the Eagle Scout Advisory Board. The picture below shows all the mentorship pins Scouts have given him.
Go big or go home
How many other little league baseball coaches wear the FULL uniform? That’s going big in my book.
BONUS: An update to a previous blog post, Wise Words of Wisdom from my dad, featuring the best dad quotes of the year.
“Hot yoga? I thought that was the dress code”.
“My Bluetooth speaker doesn’t work anymore”. “Dad, that’s an alarm clock.”
“That was back in 1960 b.c… ‘before computers’.”
“Can we ride the goats?”
Facebook was a strange place 2007-2009… Here are the winners in my book.
1. Bobby for being REALLY honest (maybe a little too honest). He claims his sister wrote at least one of these posts as a prank.
2. “Jared” for crushing it with ladies, circa 2008.
3. Zach, for never giving up. No matter how tired he was.
4. Sean, for helping invent the “auto-correct” feature a few years later.
5. Kayla, for being my friend?
6. Carol, for finding a safer way to be a gangster.
7. Evan, for f***** crushing the driver’s ed exam.
8. Brittany, for always being available via text.
9. Erin, for telling the world about “Harry Potter Puppet Palls.”
10. Ryan, for learning proper boating safety at a young age.
11. Jake, for not giving up on social media, even when the odds were stacked against him.
Hollywood movies have gotten pretty bad recently… Bad enough that I could make better movies by just turning my dreams into movie scripts. Vote on which dream would make the best movie and I’ll send it in to Universal Studios.
P.S. Please ignore any copyright infringement… I’ll worry about that later.
Movie title: Ace Ventura: Extraterrestrial Calling
Genre: Comedy
Plot: I’m the world’s leading expert on talking to animals. I get an urgent, top-secret call from the government to talk to an animal… and it’s an alien! Me and the alien eventually become best friends.
Movie title: Fast and Furious: Jail Race
Genre: Action, street racing.
Plot: My friends and I attempted to rob a bank but got caught. I was the getaway driver and sacrificed myself so the others could get away. But before going to jail, I have one last plan to get us all off the hook. I challenge the new hot-shot district attorney to a street race. If he wins, I’ll rat on the rest of my crew. But if I win, I get to go free and he stops going after my friends. He agrees… but with a catch. I have to race in a 2002 Toyota Camry while he drives a Maserati.
Editor’s Note: It’s not the best idea but it’s definitely better than Fast and Furious 3 Tokyo Drift.
Movie Title: Ghostforce
Genre: Action, comedy
Plot: I’m part of an elite ghost task force in charge of protecting the living world from evil spirits. Thanks to our efforts, the living world doesn’t even know we exist (kind of like how Men in Black protect the world from aliens). However, the whole world is in danger when a dark spirit emerges to wipe out every living being on the planet. (P.S. In this universe, ghosts can’t fly, but they can run really fast and jump 30+ feet).
Movie title: Avatar, The Last Airbender meets Scooby Doo
Genre: Not really sure where to put this one
Plot: The evil leader of the Fire Nation has finally been captured, but he’s injured and recovering in the hospital. The Fire Nation army arrives in a helicopter, busts through the roof and pulls their leader out. Avatar is forced to call the only person who can help find the missing person… Scooby Doo. Oh and Batman comes along for backup.
Movie title: The Pirate from the Shadows
Genre: Horror
Plot: My sister Erin and I find out we have an evil step-brother. Because of a traumatic incident as a child at Disney World, he thinks he’s a pirate, and has been locked away for years in a mental hospital. He escapes and comes after our family for revenge, armed with a pirate ship and crew.
Movie title: Undercover Mother
Genre: James Bond-esque
Plot: An experienced group of criminals break into the Kelley household. I can’t figure out why they’re in our house until my mom pulls me into a secret room. In there, I find out my mom is a secret agent and is hiding top-secret information that could destroy the world if it gets in the wrong hands. Mom comes out of the panic room dual wielding blazing guns.
Movie title: Giant Squid
Genre: Exclusively made for the Sci Fi channel.
Plot: There’s a giant squid hiding throughout the pipes of Liz’s house. It’s so big that it’s tentacles are coming up out of the drains and starting to attack our friends. No one else believes me until several of our friends are missing, and then we have to figure out how to come together and stop the giant squid.
The big "R" in Ryan 