Introduction from the editor

Carter Fields is a regular contributor to “TheBigRinRyan.” You may remember him from previous posts like “The Roast of Cater Fields,” or “12 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Suck at Fantasy Football.”  

I like this post simply because I like ranking things. It brings order to the world. In previous posts, I’ve ranked roommates, Christmas Cards, and even other people named Ryan. So why not rank our friends by their most prominent trait… their name?

 I asked Carter what inspired him to write this post and he said he “took a Vyvance this morning and couldn’t figure out how to use the wifi at the airport.” Makes sense to me.

Without further ado…

Who has the coolest name in The Revolution (aka our friend group)? By Carter Fields

 First Place: “Ryan Clifton Kelley”

A long time ago, we were arguing about what would be worst* [actual phrase redacted] name for a guy. One of my brother’s friends suggested “Clifton,” not knowing it was Ryan’s middle name. We still give Ryan a hard time about that, but I’m going to give him first place anyway since he has the rights to publish (or not publish) this article.

Second Place: “Zachary Dale Routh”

I like Zach’s name because of how cool it would sound if we were introducing him on a loudspeaker before a boxing match. Go ahead and try it… “Zacharrrrrry Daleeeee Routh (Routh) (Routh)!” Oh and we also like to call him “Leroy” sometimes, which is a pretty cool name.

Third Place: “George (Geordy) Conniffe Oliver”

His full name makes it sound like he fought in the Civil War.  I usually just call him “Geordy,” though. So good for you for taking a boring name like George and putting your own spin on it. P.S. did you know he ran the Boston Marathon??

Fourth Place: “Sean Timothy Gartley”

Sean is pretty low on the list because he has a basic white-person name. And why isn’t it pronounced “Seen”?? Nevertheless, I’m going to move him up to fourth place because his middle name comes from his dad, who hooks me up with Hurricanes tickets, and I don’t want to make him mad.

 Fifth Place: “Evan Marcus Sohmer”

The “Marcus” part makes me laugh. Look at the name, then at Evan, then at the name again… he doesn’t look like a Marcus. It’s a family name, though, so I’ll give him a pass. Now go rock it in your seersuckers, Marcus!

Sixth Place: “Matthew Eric Stockburger”

His name sounds like the guy at the frat party who keeps coming up to you and asking “who do you know here??” Matt never kicked me out of a party, but he did move to Pennsylvania without saying bye, so sixth place.

Seventh Place: “Jeffery Thomas Fallanca”

This is the name of a man among boys. His name sounds like the lawyer I would call if I ever got in any legal trouble. Sadly, he goes by “Thomas,” instead of “Jeffrey-Thomas,” so I’m going to have to downgrade him to seventh place.

Eighth Place: “Andrew [Insert name] Martin”

I honestly don’t know Andrew’s middle name. I want to say “Mark,” but that would be too alliterative. Anyways, I can’t even pronounce his last name and everyone makes fun of me for it so…eighth place for Andrew.

Ninth Place: “John Carter Fields”

Carter didn’t include himself in the rankings so I (Ryan) took the liberty of giving him last place. How could I not? Carter doesn’t even like his own name enough to go by his given name, John. Or sometimes we also refer to him as “J. Carter” or colloquially, “Ja’Carta.”