Uncovering Ryan’s Google Search History: An Exposé

Here’s a list of questions I’m too embarrassed to ask in public but just dumb enough I’ll post on the internet. Answering life’s toughest questions like  “how to food” and “is it safe to buy advil from Mexico.”

May 12: “does butter have  carbs” –Surprisingly no, no carbs in butter.

May 7: “baby its 3 a.m. and I must be lonely” –Looks like I was looking for the Matchbox 20 song…

May 3: “a nation’s pride (1944)” –A fictional movie from the movie Inglorious Bastards.

April 3: “how many days in April” –Appropriately asked on April 3.

March 27: “mens book club near me” –This one wasn’t my idea…

March 24: “when guys brunch” –I don’t remember what was going on here… I do like brunch though.

March 21: “suddenly i don’t feel so insecure” –Strange I know but it’s a Sum 41 song.

March 21: “why do we have social security” –Mainly to decrease poverty for the elderly and protect people from poor financial investments.

March 19: “urban dictionary keeping it real” Find out what happens when keeping it real goes wrong here.

March 17: “fake news” –Lots of news about fake news.

March 14: “is charles schwab a bank” –I think so but the fact that I had to ask that question means I probably shouldn’t be using them.

March 12: “Can I spray paint beer bottles?” –Yes its generally safe if you ever have the need, just don’t get paint near the cap.

10 Things Google Knows About Me That My Own Mother Doesn’t Know

I finally upgraded from my old, beaten-down Iphone 4s to the new Nexus 5x made by Google. And it’s insane how much this phone has learned about me. Some of it is very useful but some of the data is just creepy…

  1. Where I live: Okay so my mom knows where I live, but I never told Google where I live…. It just kind of figured it out.
  2. Where I parked my car: So anytime I get out of my car, the phone makes a memory of where I left it. I get that it’s a little silly for everyday use, but it might be very useful at a ball game or big concert.
  3. A timeline of everywhere I’ve been: The GPS is always on so it knows how far I’ve walked, where I’ve driven, where I took which photo… everything. It even includes stats like my average walking pace and what stops I made along the way.
  4. Every Restaurant ever: Anytime I walk into a restaurant, Google automatically pops up with a link to the menu and reviews. Kind of late to help decide on which restaurant, but I get it.
  5. Traffic: I can’t believe I was the last idiot still using Apple Maps until just a month ago. Just last week I was driving from Winston to Chapel Hill with my navigation off and phone in my pocket. Even so, Google was still tracking me and gave me a notification warning of traffic ahead and suggested another route. (It knew I was on the way home, see #1).
  6. Auto Photo Albums: This was one of the most surprising things. On Spring Break I went to Gulf Shores, Alabama, and took a few photos along the way. When I got back to Chapel Hill, Google had already organized the pics into an interactive slideshow.
  7. Who my friends are: So again I never told Google who my best friends are, it just figured it out and added them to my favorites shortcuts. (And yes, my mom knows who my friends are).
  8. Everything about Road Trips: It’s always ready to let me know when the next gas station is or what food options are coming up.
  9. Everything I’ve ever Googled: Google doesn’t forget. It uses my search history to come up news stories I might be interested in. For example, it will give my updates on UNC Basketball, election results, local news, etc.
  10. Everything I’ve ever said?: Only slightly concerning here… there’s a mode where you can turn on the phone’s microphone at all times so it can respond to your commands… but that also means it hears everything you say…

So this may not be the perfect phone for cheaters, terrorists or drugs dealers, but it’s been pretty good to me so far. Actually, I’m starting to get a little concerned now that I have all of this in front of me…